Good Parents Make Their Kids "Face The Fear"!

Peyton Pinkerton, 37, has been known to run out of malls, fairgrounds, and other places "on repeated occasions," to flee the object of his personal phobia: clowns (Coulrophobia). Why, you ask?

"I was yelled at by a birthday party clown when I was about 4 years old and have been absolutely terrified of them ever since. If I'm surprised by seeing a clown, it's like snakes or rats. My fight-or-flight response kicks in," Pinkerton says. (Source: CNN article below.)

As a child I had a bad fear of unleashed dogs. If I saw them, my flight response kicked in and I was off to the races! (Typically with the dog hot on my heels--cause they like the running game!) Turns out that when I was a toddler, a big dog knocked me down and growled at me. That was it for me! (Cynophobia=fear of dogs)

The POINT is...phobias often begin in childhood through a traumatic event. And the various ways parents and the children themselves deal with phobias typically makes them worse. (The #1 reason women seek professional counseling is for help in overcoming a phobia.) (Source, CNN article below)

As any GOOD PARENT knows, there is no place for fear in the life of the successful person. No fear. Winners fight, losers take flight. When the child of the good parent experiences fear, to take advantage of the teachable moment (and to avoid public embarrassment--Agoraphobia), the good parent has only one strategy: "FACE THE FEAR, DUDE!"

Over the years, I've seen good parents employ various innovative strategies to help their cowering children "face the fear." Here are two:

A 7-ish looking boy who is obviously terrified of water (Hydrophobia) refusing to get into a vacation hotel pool. Apparently, by NOT swimming, the boy was starting to ruin his good dad's expensive %$#$#% vacation (cause that is what dear dad kept yelling at the kid). The macho dad's next best idea was to carry his now kicking and screaming son to the deep end and throw him in. Oh yes. This was smart.

After dropping like a rock, the boy popped above the water, screaming bloody murder, coughing and gagging on the water he swallowed. The dad continued to yell at him...finally pulling him out of the water by one arm and storming back to his hotel room....boy in tow (obviously dad was overcome by "Kakorrhaphiophobia"- a fear of failure or defeat).

--A 4-year-old girl who is terrified of dogs (cynophobia)--is screaming and trying to scramble away from a large dog. Her mom handles it with verbal encouragement, "Oh don't be a scared little baby...pet the dog...you are making mommy mad!" Mom then grabs her daughter's hand, "PET THE DOG...it's a sweet dog...stop being a scaredy cat!" and forces her to pet the snout of the dog, resulting in the girl kicking, screaming using every ounce of her strength to run away. In short...a Hallmark moment.

Okay, so you tried throwing the kid into the pool, and making the daughter pet the savage beast close to the mouth. Hey, you even tried yelling and shaming...possibly even some "corporal" punishment. Well, goood effort. Maybe next time, try a few of these things...

1) Don't set a timeline on when a kid should overcome a phobia. Some will require a lot of your time and patience. PATIENCE! (This is my weakness, impatience.)

2) Baby steps. Anyone who has seen, "What About Bob?" knows the importance of "baby steps." Don't throw the kid into the pool. Hold them while they dangle their toes in first, etc.

3) Encouragement and Love. Encourage your child. Your anger or ridiculing will do zero good. (Well, they'll do as much good as when people try them on you :)

4) Professional help. Refer to the book Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias or consider counseling.

Don't worry, it is STILL possible for your child to be a winner even if they have a phobia or two to overcome. Your status as a Good Parent CAN remain intact.

Related posts:
Loving example?
Is your child gifted?

Recommended movie: What About Bob?

Here is a great book with solid advice to help your child overcome fears and phobias: Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias

Click here for the original article: CNN Article on Phobias!

Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 2)

Note: Continued from Part 1--click here to see it now: Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 1)

Want to mess with a germaphobe "good parent's" mind? Here are a few ideas:

1) Remind them the kitchen--not the bathroom--is the nastiest room in the home. Mention that video you saw one time where they used a bacteria-detecting lamp to show all the bacteria in some ladies kitchen. She SEEMED to keep a clean kitchen--she was wrong. The lamp showed bacteria all over her counters, the fridge, the sink and...all over her son! (Better yet, tell them this at your house so they will clean your kitchen for you. They must do this--they are too good not to!)

2) Need your bedroom linens changed? While at your home, perhaps sitting on your bed, tell the germaphobe good parent about dust mites (Dermatophagoides spp) and how they love to eat dead skin scales off people as they sleep. (Linens changed immediately)

3) Want that last slice of pie--taken by a germaphobe good parent? Tell them about how food mites are on almost any food--especially baked goods using flour (mites love flour!) They will abandon the plate...and you will have that pie. (Time this right, BEFORE they take a bite, after all do you know how many bacteria are in the human mouth??? A cesspool!!) Oops, I am showing my germaphobe colors.

4) Finally, if a good parent germaphobe is getting on your nerves and you want them to leave (because they are not so subtley pointing out how dirty your home is by taking it upon themselves to: start wiping down your kitchen counters, cleaning your child's hands, washing your dishes, etc.) Tell them about the "Treeman." See his pictures below.

What you see above is the result of bacteria, i.e. GERMS!! His condition all started with a cut on his skin. A certain HPV (human papillomavirus) entered via the cut, creating wart-like growths and finally, "The virus hijacked his skin cells, causing it to produce massive amounts of keratin, a protein found in hair and fingernails."

Oh, and speaking of mites, one doctor who examined him said, "He had insects living in the base of the wood-like material." (Source, Discovery Health, and CNN--see "Treeman" article link below.)

Not one germaphobe good parent has stuck around after hearing this story. Most make a mad dash for home, calling a Hazmat team on their cell to sterilize their home. Then they steam-clean their children. Works EVERY time. :)

FINAL WORD: It is important to keep a clean home, and to keep our kids clean and to do what it takes to keep them healthy. BUT, we cannot protect our children from everything no matter how hard we work or how good a parent we may be :) Some of us need to reign in our efforts, otherwise we will freak out our kids with our fear.

Parenting is hard work enough--throw an obsession or compulsion for cleanliness in there and you make the parenting job nigh impossible--even for you...as good a parent as you are. :)

In COMMENTS below, leave us your cleaninless tips or some of the crazy things some of us germaphobe good parents do that drive you nuts!

See related posts:
Tot Found Beneath FloorBoards in Filthy Home
Keeping Kids Safe--In Spite of Them

For a GREAT article from webmd on keeping your kitchen clean, read this: Keeping the Dirtiest Room in the House Clean

For great organic and eco-friendly kitchen cleaners (and other GREAT green ideas), see the blog: Eco-friendly kitchen cleaners and MORE!

For tips on cleaning wounds and home first aid, this book is highly recommended: The American Red Cross First Aid and Safety Handbook

To see the original "Treeman" article, see this link: Cause of 'Treeman's' barklike growths revealed

Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 1)

Good parents ensure a germ-free enironment in their home (and in the world). They are "germaphobes" and proud of it. For the good parent, a child with a cold, runny nose or fever means just one thing, failure. Well, failure and shame!

You'll recognize these good parents easily--throwing themselves between the sneezer and their child (the sneezee), saying loudly, "Move away, move behind me, you don't want to get sick!!" Boarding the subway or bus telling their kids not quietly, "Now don't touch anything--dirty, FILTHY, BAD!!," immediately producing the anti-bacterial gel for a quick de-germ. Repeats the same after they exit.

They are constantly saying "NOW, what do you have on your hands??" as they follow their child around with a Clorox wipe to clean any surface the child may decide to touch. The way they see it, these crusading parents are locked in a daily struggle for the very life of their child--snatching them from the jaws of death daily.

Yeah, we all know a few of these germaphobe good parents. Some of us "is" one.

What's AMAZING is the kids the germaphobe good parent gets.
* A kid who eats the dog or cat food out of the pet's bowl? Yep, a horrified germaphobe's child.
* Raiding the garbage for a snack? A gagging germaphobes kiddo.
* A kid who plays with his toy boat in the toilet? The kiddo of a germaphobe good parent who suspects God may be punishing them for something.
* A kid who smears poop all over crib and walls? Child of a mortified germaphobe good parent who now questions God's existence.

"Bad" parents who live in dirty, filthy homes--their kids never do stuff like this.

Good parents insist "cleanliness is next to godliness," but judging from what their kids do, we understand that God has a GREAT sense of humor.

(Continued in Part 2: Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 2))

In COMMENTS below leave us your cleaninless tips!

See related posts:
Tot Found Beneath FloorBoards in Filthy Home
Keeping Kids Safe--In Spite of Them

For a GREAT article from webmd on keeping your kitchen clean, read this: Keeping the Dirtiest Room in the House Clean

For great organic and eco-friendly kitchen cleaners (and other GREAT green ideas), see the blog: Eco-friendly kitchen cleaners and MORE!

For tips on cleaning wounds and home first aid, this book is highly recommended: The American Red Cross First Aid and Safety Handbook

Ugly Son? It's Dad's Fault, Study Shows...

<--Both of the above were DAD's fault!-->

In America, one of our most important tasks, as good parents, is to produce beautiful children. The reason for this is two-fold, 1) it makes our friends jealous, and, 2) it allows us the ability to put a spotlight on our own attractive features by pointing them out in our children.
It works like this:
Jessica's Mom to friend:: "Jessica's eyes are so pretty in this portrait."
Desired response delivered from same friend: "She's beautiful, she has your eyes."
Jessica's Mom to friend: "Oh, you're so sweet for saying that." (Thinks: Yes, she is beautiful. Yes, she gets it from me.)

:) Everyone is smiley happy!!

Then a study comes along and rains "reality" on the beauty parade. According to this study: if you are a beautiful girl, you should thank DAD. Because good-looking dad was responsible for that. According to this study, good-looking dads produce beautiful daughters. (And I can personally attest to the truth of at least THIS part of the study :)...ahem.)

On the OTHER hand, If you "ain't 'nud'n' BUT ugly" (or "butt ugly")...and you're a boy--you have one more thing to BLAME dad for--he did it! Again, this is "true" IF your dad is a hunk. (For example: Youngblood, if your dad is Brad Pitt you have NO CHANCE at being boy pretty, no chance--you WILL look like a troll.)

Even a beautiful "Jewish mom" can't get her sons into the kingdom of "handsome." The mother's beauty "makes no difference to her adult sons." :(

Carry on all you hunky good dads out there--Keep up the good work on keeping the FEMININE beauty factor high in our great land. Good-looking moms--clearly this study is rubbish, right?...it is, isn't it? :)

In the COMMENTS section below, let us know how the whole "beauty" thing in our society affects your self-image, and that of your daughters and sons.

Here are two great resources for helping your child or teen develop a healthy self-image:
For children: The Five Love Languages of Children
For teens: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

For related posts, see:
Blaming Dad
Dad and Daughter Relationship
"Lippy" the Unsmart Dad--and His Spawn (Son) "Zippy"!

Visit the site where good parents like you with VERY attractive children, compare notes: The website for ALL parents--good looking or not

To see the original article, click here: Good Looking Fathers Make Ugly Sons, but Beautiful Daughters (Source: Fox News from the Telegraph, by Auslan Cramb, Scottish Correspondent)

Gag-Proof Your Parenting Attitude! (Get the Funk Out Your Home!)

Gag reflex warning: Best read by those with a minimal gag reflex. The rest of you, please move to somewhere safe before reading and/or grab a brown paper bag,

Test 1: PUKE! Still okay? You passed.

Test 2: Video

Okay, you are good to go.

The Pool of Vomit That Swallowed the Smithsonian!

Well almost. This is a true story.

I was in the band in high school. (I promise, WE were cool. Okay, okay, maybe we weren't). So anyway, our band went on a trip up to Washington DC for a competition and to march in a parade. We also got in quite a bit of sightseeing at the various monuments.

On one particular day, we were visiting one of the Smithsonian's. I was with a group of 5-6 people. We were bopping past the snack bar, talking and laughing, paying no attention to where we were going (as teenagers are wont to do) when I suddenly looked down to see a HUGE puddle of vomit!!

I was on point, but didn't even have time to tell my groupmates. As I acrobatically sidestepped the puddle I got a little bit on my shoe. Stephanie right behind me wasn't as lucky...she stepped right in--looked down, and IMMEDIATELY threw up...thus making this already impressive vomit puddle even more expansive. The rest of us were sent reeling and gagging away.

No one escaped unscathed. As we sat down and did our best to wipe the vomit from our shoes...another group of band members came strolling by.

"Mary! Susan!" we shouted. Too late.

Next thing we knew, Mary and Susan BOTH went sloshing through the vomit lake--looked down, and IMMEDIATELY threw up!! A bystander who had been laughing at everyone else was overcome and PROJECTILED TOO--which started another vomit pool.

Finally, the Smithsonian cleaning crew showed up, sprinkled the pixie dust on the puke ocean (and pond) and the Smithsonian was saved from the vomit threat. And we, we who endured the horror together became very close, like a family. A family of vomit funk survivors.

Believe it or not, there is a tie in here with parenting--besides the importance of having a strong gag reflex. (Somebody holla' poopy diaper!!!) And I wanted a RIVETING attention-getter to make this point unforgettable.

It's all about attitude ma and/or pa.

The gag reflex is powerful. When vomit funks up a place--the sight and smell of it causes an IMMEDIATE reaction in everyone there.

In the same way, if we typically grumble, complain, act grumpy and rude--and inflict that on others in our home, we totally funk up the environment. People gag on that and start spewing out the same filthy funk right back at us.

Make no mistake, as parents we set the attitude tone in the home. If it's a sweet-smelling attitude in the home, and you're all chill with love, positivity, courtesy and respect, I guarantee you or another "together" adult is behind it.

If it be funky up in the home? An adult is probl'y behind that too. And we all make the choice every day between a "funky" or "sweet-smelling" attitude tone in our home. What's yours...today?

Ready to de-funkify the tone in your home? Click on this link: Home De-Funkifier

In COMMENTS below, let us know what you do to maintain a loving attitude and positivite spirit in your home.

Do you know a family that is a shining light of love and positivity? Nominate them here: Families That Inspire

Check out the he website for parents...with an attitude: Parenting With 'Tude

The "Pre-Perfect" Parent

I am 46 and I still battling my middle school nemesis--acne. This keeps me in touch with the whole teen experience and sometimes makes me question God about the unfairness of life (Why God, WHY???). Though I love taking skinventory as much as the next TEENAGE guy...gets a little old at 46.


This added to the fact that as I get older, perhaps predictably, I am getting more tuned in with the whole disease and sickness thing. A little bit of blood on the toothbrush? (Mouth cancer?) A persistent headache? (Brain tumor?) A pain in my calf muscles? (Deep vein thrombosis?) Chest pain? (Was that a heart attack? Was that? Is that a cold sweat? Is there a sense of impending doom?-?-?) That mole is bigger...I measure it every day...it IS bigger (skin cancer?) Red patches on my legs? (Flesh-eating disease?)

That last one was what brought me to the dermatologist yesterday (well, and the acne...and that mole). I was sitting in the waiting room and looking at the guy with the big bandage on his nose (is there still a nose left under there?--note to self: 1) SUNSCREEN!! 2) No more "Fake & Bake" in tanning beds), people with severe acne who refused to make eye contact (still, even a decade or so after their teen years), and other people whose affliction I could not see, but imagined was probably something scabby and rashy. I was disrupted from my gross-out imaginations by a young girl my son's age who called for me and walked me back to the exam room.

Once there the young woman wanted me to SHOW her my "problems," which I very self-consciously and reluctantly did. (Sidebar: I have this problem. Unlike every woman, and like every man, I still like to delude myself into thinking I am attractive and I've still got game. Why? I don't know. I am happily married and love my wife.) Nevertheless, having to show this young woman my physical flaws pushed me pushed me right out of my delusion. Put me in my place basically--reality check.

The doc walks in. I make a joke, pointing to the illustrated guide to skin on the wall that names all the parts that make up this, the largest organ (average human skin weighs 6 pounds by the way), I say, "Wow, I didn't know skin was THAT complicated."

He looks and says, without missing a beat, "Wow, me either!"

I know right away, he's the doc for me. I want a guy who can crack a joke before he tells me the bad news about that mole.

The 5 minute, $50 exam is rapid-fire. The mole is okay. A new spray should work for the psoriasis. As far as the face, "well, we'll just have you use a little Elidel" (it costs $133 AFTER insurance for 6 ounces). "We'll clear up your face (my face ia always red) so we can see if any of this is "pre-cancerous, and..." he continued on, but I didn't.

"PRE-CANCEROUS??????" I KNEW IT. All this worrying, hours on the internet examing skin cancer and every other sickness, pestilence and plague had paid off.

So BEFORE I got home and Googled this all out, I played around a little bit with the whole idea of "pre-cancerous." What does it MEAN???:
"Pre-make out your will?"
"Pre-you are so gonna die?"
Or is it a more kinder, gentler, like...
"Pre-just keep rubbing a little bit of this on it?"

Because I am easily bored, even by ruminations on the fear of imminent death, I also started playing around with the word "pre" in other, more positive contexts, as in:
I am possibly a "Pre-genius" or
I could be a "Pre-President of the United States"
I am for sure "Pre-insane (as is any parent of middle-schoolers or any teen girl)."

I finally struck on, "I could be a 'Pre-Perfect' parent."
A bunch of things came flooding in. I wish I was a better dad. I wish I was smarter about it and that I had more wisdom. I wish I was more loving and more attentive. I wish I knew how to handle more situations for sure. I wish I felt more confident in my role (I feel like an impostor sometimes--will the "real dad" please take over!) I wish I didn't lose sleep when I take a tough stand with my kids and I know they "hate" me at the moment.

At the end of this negative rumination, I got back on the right track by reminding myself:
1) Parenting is a LEARNING EXPERIENCE for us, thank God not pass/ fail. It's gonna be messy sometimes. There is room for mistakes, weakness and finding our feet.
2) I am a better parent than I used to be. And far more confident. I remind myself of specifics.
3) I think about how much I love my kids. Love covers a multitude of sins.
4) Since I've begun reaching out to other parents, in real life and through my website http://www.parentconsensus.com/, I have far fewer "negative rumination" times than I used to. (One big reason I started the website was to see if I was on track and to get wisdom and help from other parents--who are better at this than me.)
5) Parenting perfection is a myth. We are just all at varying levels of doing this thing wrong--yes even you.


(By the way, according to my Googling and Ask.com-ing, "precancerous" means "showing pathological changes that may be preliminary to malignancy" BUT that early recognition of these is key to preventing skin cancer AND exercise and caffeine work together to kill off precancerous skin cells.) On that note..



...I have to leave all you "pre-perfect" parents, I am running off to Starbucks...then the gym...fighting the "pre-cancer."





Check out the website: www.parentconsensus.com Join with other parents in comparing notes on all things parenting! Sign up for the free e-newsletter in the header on that page.


Have great talks with your teenagers with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. Find out more by clicking on this link: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Family Time or Family Crime? What's Your Legacy?

I am a big fan of parents making sure they pass on to their children solid life skills and an honorable legacy. Good stuff.

But what about when one's life skill and legacy is...um...crime? (And one is not very good at it--cause one is caught, convicted and sentenced?) Turns out that gets passed down too.

A recent article from indystar.com, "Lawless Legacy: Eastside Family Has 50 Convictions", tells of a family from Indianapolis that has racked up 50 convictions and a total of 110 years in jail. Let's do the math: father Paul Sr., 66, has nine convictions, for which he has been sentenced to 45 years. Five of his six children -- Paul Jr., 38; John, 37; Brian, 36; Jeremy, 35; and Jenny, 34 -- have been convicted a combined 39 times and have been sentenced to a total of 65 years in prison.

Though this is an extreme case, the fact is, each of us is building a legacy that we will leave behind. Our lives "live on" beyond us, through our children.


We have to ask ourselves, "What is the legacy I will leave? What of me will live on in my child/ children when I am gone?"

And let's put a finer point on it...legacies are for the living. Which of our positive values, qualities, characteristics, strengths or traits do we see reflected in our kids--right now? (This is a tough one) Which of our shortcomings, faults, negative traits and weaknesses do we see in our kids today? Let's be honest. What of us do we want to end with us...and what do we want to see live on in our kids?

The good news is...we can still change our legacy. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"...is just a saying, and is not the final word on any of us. Each of us can change.


Though we can't rewrite the past, the future is yet to be written. Each of us has a whole lot more love and goodness to share, so much left to give to our kids (parenting IS a lifelong privilege...though ever-changing and evolving).

"Legacy" sounds ominous. Let's break it down. Legacies are formed one step at a time, involving hundreds of individual decisions, actions, interactions and memories. They can be reformed the same way--one step at a time.


What ONE thing can you do tomorrow as a legacy builder for you and your child/ children? (Is there an act of kindness you can do together? A table talk you can have over a meal, perhaps sharing favorite family memories? Anything that allows your children to see the best in you will do. :)


There is no better legacy than the living kind--seeing the best in us lived out daily in the lives of our kids.


In the comments below...share your legacy builders!

--Jim Kochenburger



Take some positive steps toward legacy building with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. You can find out more about this book at this link: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Visit the website every parents needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/

To see the original indystar article, cick here: http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080921/NEWS02/809210372

To subscribe to the Parentconsensus e-newsletter, click on this link and sign up in the header area of the page: http://www.parentconsensus.com/

The Family That Beats Up People Together...Stays Together?

In Baton Rouge, Lousiana an 18-year-old and his 53-year-old mother, were arrested for a recent road rage incident that ended with the severe beating of a 70-year-old man. Apparently, the young "real smart" guy knocked an elderly man's front teeth out and caused such injury to his mouth that it took 40 stitches to sew his upper lip back together. Oh, and here's the best part--it is reported the young man's mother helped with the beating. (Source, AP, 9-19-08, article "Police: Mother, Son Arrested for Severe Road-Rage Beating of 70-Year-Old")

What a beautiful story--a mother and son bonding over their shared beating of an elderly man. Well there's one for the family scrap book and to share proudly at the family barbecue...

"Yep, my son done tore that feller up!"

"Well, um...but the guy was OLD, older than Papa over there...."

"It don't matter...you do me wrong, I take care of it."

"That's right son...you make your momma proud."

Now I am sure there is more to the story. We all know how inimidating and scary elderly people can be. And this guy was probably like most elderly men, dressed in his leathers and his big old bad dude shades. He was likely driving his pimped out low rider, pumping his rap music so loud that the cars around him were vibrating in circles, wheel covers shaking off and rattling to the street. Yep, we all know how initimidating a 70-year old can be...

There is an undercurrent of meanness in our country that is unnerving to me. I experience it or observe it every day (hey, I drive in Altamonte Springs Florida, aggressive, mean driving is a favorite pastime of ours).

Just a reminder to all of us...let's come against the meanness with kindness. When we allow ourselves to be rude and mean we fail to love others, we fail our kids and if we have any conscience, we fail ourselves. We know better. And when we are stupid or mean (come on EVERYONE has their moments...some their hours) we should allow ourselves to feel ashamed and we should work HARD to change. Let's give our kids a model to follow and respect and something better for them to live up to.

--Jim Kochenburger

Do you want to help your teen to better control their anger? To develop more kindness? This book can help: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Do you love your child or teen? Do you want to be an even better parent for them? See the website every parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php

Here is the link to the story, courtesy of Fox News: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,425324,00.html

To register for the parentconsensus e-newsletter, simply click on this link and enter your email address in the field in the header at the top of the page: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php

Parents: Are You Good TV or Bad TV?

Last week, police officers in Trenton, New Jersey were called to the home of Evelyn DeLeon, after neighbors reported hearing a woman's persistent cries of "Help me! Help me!" When police officers arrived, they kicked in the door to make the rescue...and found a caged pet cockatoo named Luna who had mastered a very convincing call.

This was not the first time.

Apparently, almost seven years ago, police were dispatched to the same home due to reports of a possible abandoned baby. Sounds of a baby's cries had been non-stop all day long. Police and state child welfare workers were dispatched to the home to intervene, only to find Luna practicing a newfound sound.

Apparently Luna knows a lot of phrases--in English and Spanish--due to watching TV. (Source, AP, Sep. 5, 2008)

I'd like to use Luna as a reminder that our kids are like her--taking in all that they see and hear, deciding what to imitate, what to try on for size...words, emotions, attitudes, actions, all of it. And they love imitating us the most.

Sometimes our children's choices of what to imitate are a source of pride for us, but sometimes, their choices can be humorous or, yes, even embarrassing. (And sometimes, let's face it, they make up their own material and we fear people might think they are imitating us!)

We are the TV our kids are watching. But there is no DVR picking and choosing what they can see--no instant replay. No "erase" to get rid of what we "done did." There is no fast forward or rewind to try and gloss over or minimize our bad example moments. (And we can't slow-mo and bask in our shining moments.)

There we are, on the screen, in living color, in real time, for better or for worse. Little eyes and ears are locked onto us. We are must see TV for them.

What an incredible opportunity we have, as parents, to mold and shape young lives. Let us never take that lightly. Let's make sure we are always "good TV."

Check out the webite every parent needs, www.parentconsensus.com !

Do you love your teen? Do you like movies? This book is for you: 101 Movie Clips That Get Your Family Talking. Click here to find out more: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

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Parents: You Are What You Click...

It used to be said, "You are what you eat." Bill Tancer , author of the new book, Click: What Millions of People Are Doing Online and Why it Matters. insists that nowadays, "You are what you click."

Tancer leads global research at Hitwise, an online market research company. His job is basically that of discovering the behavior of online users, primarily as a marketing tool, but much of what he discovers provides interesting nuggets on the impact of the internet on our culture, society and families.

Since I will not receive his book from Amazon until Thursday, I had to settle for viewing some entries from his blog, which I found on the Amazon book page. (To see Tancer's blog, go to http://blogs.abcnews.com/click/2008/07/searching-for-a.html )

Along with facts like at any point in time 30% of Internet users are grazing porn online, I also found some info you parents may value.

What are the top 10 internet queries containing "fear of." (As of July 7, 2008)
1. Fear of flying


2. Fear of heights
3. Fear of communism (???)
4. Fear of intimacy
5. Fear of clowns (who ISN'T afraid of clowns??)
6. Fear of dying
7. Fear of commitment
8. Fear of darkness
9. Fear of death
10. Fear of germs

(More on fear coming in my blog this weekend...ths was just the appetizer.)

Tancer also discovered these internet searches in common with people who searched for the current presidential candidates (form your own opinions):

People who went to the site barackobama.com also tended to make these searches as well:
News: Washington Post
Television: PBS online
Shopping: IKEA
Dating: Match.com
Music: Linkin Park
Apparel: DSW
Baseball: Red Sox

People who went to the site johnmccain.com also tended to make these searches as well:
News: USA Today

Television: Food Network
Shopping: Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Dating: eharmony
Music: The Jonas Brothers
Apparel: Footsmart
Baseball: Yankees

Good news--you can buy Tancer's book through the Parentconsensus store and get the low Amazon price: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store the book is on page 3 of the store.

So based on what you click on the internet...who are you? And based on what your kids are clicking on the Internet, who are they? (See the software SpectorPro in the Parentconsensus store to find out what your children are clicking online.)

Visit the website every parent needs, http://www.parentconsensus.com/! (Sign up for the parentconsensus e-newsletter--see the header at the top of the page.)

Do you love movies? Do you love your teen? This book is for you: 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. See more about this here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Parents: The Ticking Crocodile Chases Each of Us

Not long ago I was enjoying lunch at a local favorite Mexican restaurant of mine here in Orlando (Tijuana Flats). At the table next to me was a dad in his thirties, sitting with his daughter--a young girl of six or seven. She was wearing a nice blue-flowered dress, had a ribbon in her hair--she was dolled up, suggesting this might be a "special" time of some sort.

I loved it...a dad and daughter, sharing a lunch out together. I am a sucker for that stuff--seeing dad's "into" their kids. So I paid attention. I thought I just might have a warm observation/ entry for this blog.

Sadly, I was wrong.

Though this dad had the right idea about being "there" with his daughter--sadly, he never showed up.

Predictably, he was wearing his bluetooth earpiece. Since he hadn't arrived in a helicopter, and there was no briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, my guess was, he didn't have his finger on the nuclear button--so no real need to keep that earpiece in. When he received a call and yukked it up for a few minutes with "Carl", who apparently was a "Dumb s__ of a b___!" asking, "How the h___ are ya?"--I knew for sure he had no reason to wear it.

(Hey--had the discussion veered even once from the inanities of "Hey man, how much beer DID you drink that night?" into aerospace technology or miltary jargon, I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt--this guy was no rocket scientist.)

Almost immediately after the Carl call, our boy hollered a "Go Gators!" greeting to the Tebow-jerseyed guy at the next table, and, for the next 30 minutes talked about how great the Florida Gators would be again this year(which is by itself annoying to me, a Florida State Seminoles fan. We've become a little thin-skinned and extra sensitive around Gators fans over the last few years.)
"Tebow...he, he, he once threw a football 200 yards--a guy I know saw him." Blah-blah.
"Tebow, even if he had just one arm, I bet he could still get the Heisman." Blah-blah.
"Tebow, if he was like running for President...watch out Obama!" Blah-blah. You get the gist. BLAH-blah!

Our boy said not ONE word to his daughter the ENTIRE time. She sat there silently, having long-finished her food, sipping her drink. She tried to get his attention a few times...but even then, when he heard her, he shushed her.

As I left, the girl was begging her father "Can we just go???" Needless to say "Can we just go??" is not how any dad "sees" his daddy-daughter time ending.

As I drove back to work, I took a little stroll down memory lane...

It was a daddy/daughter "date" with my 3-year old daughter, Kristin, (now 15--going on 20). Back then, I set aside time each week to focus on Kristin for a couple hours instead of the usual few minutes at a time. Though we varied the plan--the playground, an ice cream shop, children's section at a bookstore, and others--her favorite destination for one-on-one time with dad was the Barbie aisle of the local toy store. (I did a LOT of time in the Barbie aisle--almost had to trade in my "man card.")

On the way she would happily chat my ear off with giggly stories, and questions ("Daddy, why is sky?"), mixed with sing-a-longs to Veggie Tales ("I Love My Lips") and Barney.

Every date would end the same way...with a chocolate milkshake. Milkshake in hand, I would say, "Baby, always stay little, okay?"
"Okay daddy!", she said with a giggle and little kick of her legs. (It was the first playful "banter" we shared.) I'll never forget her little red cheeks, chubby little knees and her fine hair styled in what I called a "bee-paw" ribbon scrunchy, giving her that "Pebbles" look.

I'll never, ever forget those smiles, those songs, those happy times. And when I face trials with my teenage Kristin...I call on these memories, of my little girl and I find new reserves of patience, and love.

Time marches on. Kids grow up. Hopefully, we are left with the deep connections we forged, and the memories we made (not those we didn't).

In the story of Peter Pan, there is a crocodile who swallows a clock, who pursues Captain Hook endlessly. But he's not the only one. That ticking "clock croc" pursues us all.

Randy Pausch, in his book, The Last Lecture, writes, "Manage your time well...Time is finite....Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think."

The croc is ticking...

(Special note: You know the Barbie aisle has a special place in my heart :) Well it does for a blogging friend of mine as well. Check out the blog Barbies4Sale at this link: http://barbies4sale.blogspot.com/ )

Be sure to check out the site every parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/


Need good quality time with your teen? Use the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. FInd out more here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Caring About What People Think: The Hat, The Car, The Suit, The House

My Dad The Hat

THE HAT

This hat looks much better than the one my dad wore to our Father's day meal this year...at a restaurant...in public. Whereas the hat to the right might be seen at a country music concert, dad's wouldn't be. His was kind of lopsided and crushed down on one side, had more black spots, was frayed around the edges, but had a very festive, decorative band. Not to mention this hat was HUGE--I almost didn't see dad under there!

It struck me as one of those "lucky" hats one has worn for decades, more for sentimental reasons than for any real practical use, now relegated to being worn during yardwork--not meant for restaurant wear. It was hard to miss--though I was hoping everyone would.

No such luck. Quite a few snickers from onlookers and a couple of sets of rolled eyes from the grandkids proved I was not alone. I was so embarrassed, so suddenly, I was surprised. But it was not the first time, oh no...

THE CAR (STATION WAGON)

Just before I began junior high, dad bought a beat up old gold station wagon that spewed large clouds of black exhaust and started and stopped with a gunshot backfire and a frame-jarring shudder. Oh, and the best part? This car had a hood colored bright "primer" blue. Dad bought the car for $700 with the promise of getting it repainted one day. That never happened.

Every day of junior high, my arrival was announced by a large cloud of smoke and a "ka-BOOM" that stopped every conversation and turned every head (sending some of the more skittish kids running for cover). I leapt from "the heap" as it trembled violently (if mom stopped totally it would stall and possibly not restart) to the amusement of the kids from the local Washington Park projects who were being dropped off in Cadillacs and other big, nice, new cars.

Sure they lived in the projects and lived off food stamps and my dad owned a music store and a rental property, but as dad would point out--"at least my car is paid for." I would counter this with my junior high wisdom that I wished I had their parents cause at least they understood the importance of cool and of not just getting there, but "arriving."

Paid for. Who cares? I wanted prestige. Apparently the “prestige gene” was missing from my dad. The “paid for” gene was in charge. That station wagon with the unpainted hood was with the Kochenburger family through my college years. (One victory--I did successfully lobby not to be driven to my high school graduation in it. I was driven in my older brother's car which was one color.)

THE SUIT (WRINKLED AND MISMATCHED)

My father showed up for one of my middle school concerts driving the heap (I had stayed at school to avoid having to be driven in it). Parents of my friends from the projects (mostly single mothers) showed up too. But whereas they were dressed to "the nines"...my dad was dressed to the "two minus", in a wrinkled, outdated sport coat with equally wrinkled and mismatched shirt and pants. Dad didn't put a whole lot of stock in gazing at himself in mirrors, wasted no time on matching colors--comfort was rule #1 and overruled all else.

My junior high heart was mortified, to the point that I avoided sitting with him, paying visits to my friends, leaving him to stand alone with no one to talk to. Finally, after the room had cleared a bit, I went over to him. Even though he had done it again--lowered my coolness factor a few notches.

THE MESSY HOUSE

My dad likes everything in his house to be where he can find it...which means everything is all over the place all the time. He also doesn't like to throw anything away because "you never know when you might need this", including warped 2x4's, many empty gallon milk jugs, various lengths of PVC pipe, lengths of twine and rope, flower pots, large boxes of screws and nails--all unsorted, the list goes on. (His explanation for this was having learned during the depression that you don't waste anything...and I think part of some plan to hedge against when the next one hits.)

Bottom line...my brothers and I and our younger sister didn't invite friends over to hang out at our house. Besides, it took training to navigate--we didn't want to lose anyone in the clutter.

Who's Right, Me or Dad?

All this to say, it isn't just the hat. My dad has never had that something in him (let's call it that "prestige" gene) that cares about what other people think of him based on outward appearances and making impressions. And that has variously mystified, frustrated, angered, disappointed, mortified, or embarrassed me in my teen years when I knew everything and was certain I was right about most things, especially the the whole image thing. But now, with me at 46 years old, why the reaction to the hat?

It got me thinking. And as I noodled, I realized that at 46, I born of the "prestige" gene, may NOT be as right nor my dad as wrong as I had always thought.

After all, he has a lot less to worry about than I do. This maintaining appearances and making impressions business can get nerve-wracking! He is really happy as he is, pretty carefree in most regards. We throw too much away in America. And, you can't argue with refusing to go into debt to purchase something that depreciates as quickly as a car.

I am willing to allow my dad that maybe he and I are about 50-50 on the whole "prestige and image" thing. He could care more, I could care less. So to the words "embarrassed" and "mortified" by my dad, let me add the word..."humbled" as well. I am still learning from dad.

Here are a few other thoughts and observations...

My embarrassment is my problem, not dad's.

Dad was happy that day wearing his hat, looking how he wanted to look. I was the only one who was unhappy. It was my problem and I needed to get over it to be happy. What I eventually told myself was, "Jim, that's your dad under that hideous hat...now give him a kiss and get down to the business of the day, honoring him as your father, who always did his best for you--and who just might have it more right than you do on the appearances and image thing."

At least dad was there

Wrinkle-suited as he might have been, he was in my life and he was interested in me and what I was doing. Many of my friends from the projects didn't have their dad there. Their dad wasn't around, wasn't interested. And dad and mom have been my biggest fans in life--always interested in what I am doing. They love the new site http://www.parentconsensus.com/ and all my books, including the latest one, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store (which was part of my gift to him for Father's Day).

I'll take them being there for me and showing interest in me over a nice car and good fashion sense any day.

Freedom from what people think is a key to happiness

I love those freeing moments when I don't care at all what people think. Those are some of my happiest times. That I am able to go there at all is a gift from my father. Maybe that "paid off" gene will rise up and overcome that "prestige" gene some day.

Don't let your child, teenager or young adult's image fears and insecurities control you.

Be sensitive to how self-conscious they are. Don't do things purposefully to provoke them or to get them "over it" (that means don't embarrass them on purpose with hopes they will desensitize). But don't let their fears and concerns dictate your behavior. Don't let their insensitive comments get to you. Your security in yourself, and refusal to be overly concerned with what others think (even them) are two of the most important things you can model.

I hope you too find some freedom from what people think today. Do at least one thing today that you don't care what ANYONE thinks about...even your middle school child.

Check out the website EVERY parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/

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Things Good Parents Do: (#1) Good parents...dress kids in the hottest labels and designer gear (thus avoiding the end of the world as they know it)

The good parent must be sure their child stands out from the nameless, faceless rabble (your kids) with only the best, hottest, most popular brands/ labelled clothing. Abercrombie, Buckle, and Hollister (where "models" work!) and the rest of that ilk. Clothes are not just clothes of the "food, shelter, clothing" level for these folks--they are status, success, even an entire identity. These clothes say "winner." Good parents reason, "$100 for a pair of athletic shoes for my precious child is a small price to pay for his or her happiness, well-being, and social standing." This makes them feel all warm inside.

Righting the wrongs of the past

These are the the people who made the $60 t-shirt and $100 jeans a reality when the previous generation doubted it would ever happen ("You'd have to be nuts..."). People in the old days were such cheapskates! These good parents are bound and determined to right the wrongs of the past and make sure their kids have the best--that they are denied no good thing.

In their defense, good parents are deeply scarred from their own personal childhood experience of being "forced" to wear $5 "sneakers" and $9 "dungarees." It went something like this...

"$20 for sneakers?! Converse(TM)? I don't care if you want CON-verse, RE-verse, UNI-verse, or any other "verse" shoes--are you CRAZY?"

"Pay $20 for Levi's(TM) dungarees??? Do I look high to you?" (It was the 70's--parents said this) "You are wearing these $10 Sears(TM) Toughskins with the patches on the knees (on the OUTSIDE) and you will like them!"

You can understand why this was so emotionally damaging for them. To not have something that others have is...well, it's just un-American for one, and just downright abusive for another. Just one more way their parents plotted against their child's happiness.

(Remember the first wave? Jordache(TM) jeans for $25, Calvin Klein(TM) jeans for $40? I do. Most thought--it's just a trend. My dad just laughed and said "No idiot will ever pay that much for dungarees!" "Only the CHEAPSKATES like you won't pay that!" I pouted and sniffed.)

Good parent's biggest fear--school uniforms
The biggest fear for these good parents, as it concerns their kids, is only one thing--the school uniform. You want to get all the parents to a parent meeting at your school? Establish a school uniform policy.

The shot heard 'round these parent's world is when little Madison rushes home after school, in tears, with the news that her middle school is reverting to non-designer uniforms. These parent's minds race...how could this be happening? Now how will their child stand out? They see their status--oops their child's identity, and FREEDOM being taken away. (Psychiatrists, personal trainers, lawyers, "prescription" doctors are variously called.) What will we do---oh dear what shall we do??? The local Starbucks(TM) is abuzz.

Good parents get involved
The principal gets to know these parents very well over the next few days. Strangers to the PTA (too busy) these parents find "bandwidth" for this catastrophic issue. (One parent overheard saying. "There comes a time when you just have to stand up and say enough is ENOUGH! This is AMERICA!") Yes it is--and if there was ever a time to become engaged with our child's education and patriotic...

There are tearful, passionate pleas at the next school board meeting presented by community pillars dressed in Polo(TM) (even the shoes and socks)and moms adorned in their best BCBG(TM) (Big Cash Bigwig Glamour?) or INC(TM) (I Need Compliments??). Lacking any other case except the most seemingly altruistic, they finally join forces with unlikely allies--the poor, whose kids can only afford Aeropastale(TM)--passionately pleading their case before the school board of the "economic hardship" this would put on these poor parents to purchase uniforms.

Bottom line: If you are spending less than $300 on a single outfit for your children...(ESPECIALLY your teenager) how can you possibly consider yourself a good parent? Are you nuts? Join us good parents in making sure no child is left behind. Image is everything, after all.

Need parenting ideas, advice, opinions or help? Check out a great new parenting site: http://www.parentconsensus.com/ and be sure to participate in a forum or vote in a few polls there on all things to do with parenting, marriage and more.

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