Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 2)

Note: Continued from Part 1--click here to see it now: Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 1)

Want to mess with a germaphobe "good parent's" mind? Here are a few ideas:

1) Remind them the kitchen--not the bathroom--is the nastiest room in the home. Mention that video you saw one time where they used a bacteria-detecting lamp to show all the bacteria in some ladies kitchen. She SEEMED to keep a clean kitchen--she was wrong. The lamp showed bacteria all over her counters, the fridge, the sink and...all over her son! (Better yet, tell them this at your house so they will clean your kitchen for you. They must do this--they are too good not to!)

2) Need your bedroom linens changed? While at your home, perhaps sitting on your bed, tell the germaphobe good parent about dust mites (Dermatophagoides spp) and how they love to eat dead skin scales off people as they sleep. (Linens changed immediately)

3) Want that last slice of pie--taken by a germaphobe good parent? Tell them about how food mites are on almost any food--especially baked goods using flour (mites love flour!) They will abandon the plate...and you will have that pie. (Time this right, BEFORE they take a bite, after all do you know how many bacteria are in the human mouth??? A cesspool!!) Oops, I am showing my germaphobe colors.

4) Finally, if a good parent germaphobe is getting on your nerves and you want them to leave (because they are not so subtley pointing out how dirty your home is by taking it upon themselves to: start wiping down your kitchen counters, cleaning your child's hands, washing your dishes, etc.) Tell them about the "Treeman." See his pictures below.

What you see above is the result of bacteria, i.e. GERMS!! His condition all started with a cut on his skin. A certain HPV (human papillomavirus) entered via the cut, creating wart-like growths and finally, "The virus hijacked his skin cells, causing it to produce massive amounts of keratin, a protein found in hair and fingernails."

Oh, and speaking of mites, one doctor who examined him said, "He had insects living in the base of the wood-like material." (Source, Discovery Health, and CNN--see "Treeman" article link below.)

Not one germaphobe good parent has stuck around after hearing this story. Most make a mad dash for home, calling a Hazmat team on their cell to sterilize their home. Then they steam-clean their children. Works EVERY time. :)

FINAL WORD: It is important to keep a clean home, and to keep our kids clean and to do what it takes to keep them healthy. BUT, we cannot protect our children from everything no matter how hard we work or how good a parent we may be :) Some of us need to reign in our efforts, otherwise we will freak out our kids with our fear.

Parenting is hard work enough--throw an obsession or compulsion for cleanliness in there and you make the parenting job nigh impossible--even for you...as good a parent as you are. :)

In COMMENTS below, leave us your cleaninless tips or some of the crazy things some of us germaphobe good parents do that drive you nuts!

See related posts:
Tot Found Beneath FloorBoards in Filthy Home
Keeping Kids Safe--In Spite of Them

For a GREAT article from webmd on keeping your kitchen clean, read this: Keeping the Dirtiest Room in the House Clean

For great organic and eco-friendly kitchen cleaners (and other GREAT green ideas), see the blog: Eco-friendly kitchen cleaners and MORE!

For tips on cleaning wounds and home first aid, this book is highly recommended: The American Red Cross First Aid and Safety Handbook

To see the original "Treeman" article, see this link: Cause of 'Treeman's' barklike growths revealed

Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 1)

Good parents ensure a germ-free enironment in their home (and in the world). They are "germaphobes" and proud of it. For the good parent, a child with a cold, runny nose or fever means just one thing, failure. Well, failure and shame!

You'll recognize these good parents easily--throwing themselves between the sneezer and their child (the sneezee), saying loudly, "Move away, move behind me, you don't want to get sick!!" Boarding the subway or bus telling their kids not quietly, "Now don't touch anything--dirty, FILTHY, BAD!!," immediately producing the anti-bacterial gel for a quick de-germ. Repeats the same after they exit.

They are constantly saying "NOW, what do you have on your hands??" as they follow their child around with a Clorox wipe to clean any surface the child may decide to touch. The way they see it, these crusading parents are locked in a daily struggle for the very life of their child--snatching them from the jaws of death daily.

Yeah, we all know a few of these germaphobe good parents. Some of us "is" one.

What's AMAZING is the kids the germaphobe good parent gets.
* A kid who eats the dog or cat food out of the pet's bowl? Yep, a horrified germaphobe's child.
* Raiding the garbage for a snack? A gagging germaphobes kiddo.
* A kid who plays with his toy boat in the toilet? The kiddo of a germaphobe good parent who suspects God may be punishing them for something.
* A kid who smears poop all over crib and walls? Child of a mortified germaphobe good parent who now questions God's existence.

"Bad" parents who live in dirty, filthy homes--their kids never do stuff like this.

Good parents insist "cleanliness is next to godliness," but judging from what their kids do, we understand that God has a GREAT sense of humor.

(Continued in Part 2: Good Parents Insure a Germ-Free Home and WORLD for Their Children...or Die Trying! (Part 2))

In COMMENTS below leave us your cleaninless tips!

See related posts:
Tot Found Beneath FloorBoards in Filthy Home
Keeping Kids Safe--In Spite of Them

For a GREAT article from webmd on keeping your kitchen clean, read this: Keeping the Dirtiest Room in the House Clean

For great organic and eco-friendly kitchen cleaners (and other GREAT green ideas), see the blog: Eco-friendly kitchen cleaners and MORE!

For tips on cleaning wounds and home first aid, this book is highly recommended: The American Red Cross First Aid and Safety Handbook

Important Message on Monitoring Your Children and Teenagers Online

Important: This is NOT one of those wonderful blogs that do nothing but advertise products, or offer faux reviews. This is a one-time suggestion of a software to protect your children online. If you'd prefer to leave now, consider these blog posts of mine that a lot of people seemed to enjoy:
Ugly Son? It's Dad's Fault, Study Shows...
Gag-Proof Your Parenting Attitude! (Get the Funk Out Your Home!)
The Zippy and Lippy Show--Dad Gone Wild!

Here is a link to this GREAT software! Spector Pro 6.0

Still here? Okay, here's the deal...there are many different software programs out there to help keep your child safe on the Internet. But once your child gets into the upper-elementary age-group, such software becomes far less effective (kids can't get to the game sites or music sites they want to get to with the other software and you have to set the filters to be so loose, the protection of the software becomes practically useless).

As kids get older, you need a way to MONITOR them. (At least that's been my experience. But perhaps your child is perfect. :)

Features of Spector Pro. Spector Pro’s excellent combination of monitoring features: Screen Snapshots, Chat/IM Activity, Web Sites Visited, Email Activity, Program Activity and Keywords Detected. They also have three new features: MySpace Activity, Online Searches and Top 10 Summary Reports.

Without getting into too much detail, our monitoring has kept our daughter safe several times already. One time we were alerted she had tried to input our address. Another time we were alerted to cyber-bullying. A third time we picked up on some boys that were 19 and 20 flirting with our daughter online and trying to get her to meet them (then 14)--that one was a lot of fun.

That is what makes this software so good.

Plus the install was easy and the customer service was excellent. So if you want it, go ahead and buy it. If you don't want it or if you are uncomfortable with that level of monitoring of your child's online activity, simply don't buy it. Thank you for your time and tolerance.

There is a corporate version of this. Sales have been brisk due to statistics showing that the average worker admits spending over 2 hours a day of company time surfing the internet for non-business related purposes. (Emphasis there on the "admits". To corporate, it's called "time theft"--though buffooned recently on the wonderful show The Office--still a reality.) Yeah, if companies could get that 25% of worker time back...maybe there won't be as many lay-offs...word to the wise, warning to the wise guys.

You may balk at the price of this product (at this writing $84.99 on Amazon) ...to me, it is the best $85 I ever spent. Worth EVERY penny for the peace of mind it brings.

Here is the link again to learn more: Spector Pro 6.0

Ugly Son? It's Dad's Fault, Study Shows...

<--Both of the above were DAD's fault!-->

In America, one of our most important tasks, as good parents, is to produce beautiful children. The reason for this is two-fold, 1) it makes our friends jealous, and, 2) it allows us the ability to put a spotlight on our own attractive features by pointing them out in our children.
It works like this:
Jessica's Mom to friend:: "Jessica's eyes are so pretty in this portrait."
Desired response delivered from same friend: "She's beautiful, she has your eyes."
Jessica's Mom to friend: "Oh, you're so sweet for saying that." (Thinks: Yes, she is beautiful. Yes, she gets it from me.)

:) Everyone is smiley happy!!

Then a study comes along and rains "reality" on the beauty parade. According to this study: if you are a beautiful girl, you should thank DAD. Because good-looking dad was responsible for that. According to this study, good-looking dads produce beautiful daughters. (And I can personally attest to the truth of at least THIS part of the study :)...ahem.)

On the OTHER hand, If you "ain't 'nud'n' BUT ugly" (or "butt ugly")...and you're a boy--you have one more thing to BLAME dad for--he did it! Again, this is "true" IF your dad is a hunk. (For example: Youngblood, if your dad is Brad Pitt you have NO CHANCE at being boy pretty, no chance--you WILL look like a troll.)

Even a beautiful "Jewish mom" can't get her sons into the kingdom of "handsome." The mother's beauty "makes no difference to her adult sons." :(

Carry on all you hunky good dads out there--Keep up the good work on keeping the FEMININE beauty factor high in our great land. Good-looking moms--clearly this study is rubbish, right?...it is, isn't it? :)

In the COMMENTS section below, let us know how the whole "beauty" thing in our society affects your self-image, and that of your daughters and sons.

Here are two great resources for helping your child or teen develop a healthy self-image:
For children: The Five Love Languages of Children
For teens: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

For related posts, see:
Blaming Dad
Dad and Daughter Relationship
"Lippy" the Unsmart Dad--and His Spawn (Son) "Zippy"!

Visit the site where good parents like you with VERY attractive children, compare notes: The website for ALL parents--good looking or not

To see the original article, click here: Good Looking Fathers Make Ugly Sons, but Beautiful Daughters (Source: Fox News from the Telegraph, by Auslan Cramb, Scottish Correspondent)

#1 Secret of the Parenting Universe Revealed (Hint: Media, Teen Sex, THE Talk)

"(CNN) -- Sexual content on television is strongly associated with teen pregnancy, a new study from the RAND Corporation shows. Researchers at the nonprofit organization found that adolescents with a high level of exposure to television shows with sexual content are twice as likely to get pregnant or impregnate someone as those who saw fewer programs of this kind over a period of three years." (Source, "Study links sexual content on TV to teen pregnancy," by Elizabeth Landau.)

"A strong association between sexual content on television and teen pregnancy is not surprising, said Dr. Yolanda Wimberly, an assistant professor of clinical pediatrics at the Morehouse School of Medicine and the medical director for the Center for Excellence in Sexual Health." Well, I'm the medical director for Common Sense and I am sayin'--Ya think???

This is the second article in a row I've blogged about recently that suffer from "stating the obvious-itis." (See the other #2 Secret of the Parenting Universe )

I mean seriously, how many people would say "No way--I think kids can watch all kinds of sex and stuff on TV and/ or porn and WON'T want to try it (and risk pregnancy as a result)!" Thankfully, most parents are smart enough not to say it. Hey, gold stars for that!

Actions send a different message. If parents believe that sex saturated media is NOT okay for their kids, and yet do nothing to guard their kids from it, or to help them process what's coming in, they get a big fat, red "unsatisfactory effort" for their actions and tacitly send the message to kids that it IS okay.

What I am hearing and overhearing via the teen "grapevine" leads me to conclude that MANY teenage boys in particular, are what "porn-addled." This may not be a big deal to some who claim "it's just natural curiosity" and ("boys will be boys, haw, haw"). But to us parents who care, especially dads of teen daughters, we gotta say--there are a bunch of knuckleheaded, horn-dog boys lurking out there. (With ALL due respect.)

Far too many of our young men are...

* emotionally under-developed (intolerant of delayed gratification),

* mentally weak (lack sense of responsibility, have not been significantly challenged),

* sexually overcharged due to the sight and sound of media sex coming at them from every direction. Most have no one helping them sort this all out.

Very few teens (especially boys) have a parent or authority figure in their life who has made it a priority in their life to guide the teen--to coach them on how to respond, react to or "process" all this "media sex" in a healthy way.

Think about it. Just about EVERY popular song, movie, product, or internet video marketed and targeted to teens cheerleads them on to be sexual "beasts," rather than sexual beings who are people of character (thanks Axe cologne and all you others).

I know the cry of the day in our society is no limits and no censorship of any kind. Sounds good...just doesn't "live" good--especially as it involves kids. The same society that unleashes pornography on these boys, gawks in wonder at why so many boys have a "predatorial" versus a "protective" mindset towards girls. The desire to control, to "score," to conquer prevails, while the ability to love and respect is pitifully scarce.

We're producing perpetual boys--muscled and six-pack abs though they may have--not manly men.

Sex insanity in our society has the microphone and is blasting at the kids from "booty" rap ("grind that b******" and "tap' that ho'"), to MTV Spring break specials, nasty music videos with scantily clad women pouring themselves onto stone-cold stoic artists, to porn on the Internet. While all this rages, too-busy parents, are too often...SILENT .

One way to always reach your goals is to set them VERY low. Some parents excel at low goals for their kids. They have given up on a purity goal for their kids. They conclude it's not possible...but then they make a BIG mistake--they don't even try ANYTHING, no limits, no talks, nothing.

I've soap-boxed long enough. Here are some things ALL us parents must do...(as tired and over-busy as we all are):

1) Watch shows with your teens (not porn :) that show the progressions of a "relationship"--you know, what passes for relationship in modern media--the first date/ know each other ten minutes and you jump in the sack together. Talk about the characters, elements of a real relationship, the choices, the consequences, the nature of real love, respect, sex,
etc.

2) Have open conversations with your children about sex
--from a young age. Boy, my parents sure creeped me out with those conversations when I was young--I mean, who wants to think of their parents as sexual? Gross! But looking back...their words were ringing in my head when I faced tough choices. Is your voice ringing in your kid's head--or is there only SILENCE?

3) GUARD your children. Insist on rules for Internet and phone use. Have guidelines for acceptable movies and those that aren't. Know their friend and parents of friends...before placing your child under that parent's "supervision".

It's time for our voices to be heard. Every day we stay silent...our children grow a day older...and we miss an opportunity...and the days go by. Only when we speak up and speak into our children's lives do we help them grow up.

Here is a great software, I highly recommend for monitoring your child's internet use (and believe me I've tried MANY): Spector Pro 6.0

For discussing sex with children: The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear from You About Sex

For discussing sex with teens: What Smart Teenagers Know...About Dating, Relationships & Sex
Christian resource for helping shape your child or teen's sexual character: How And When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character (God's Design for Sex (Unnumbered))

Share your sex-talk tips with other parents here: #1 Parenting Forums

See the original story here: Study links sexual content on TV to teen pregnancy

For related topics, see these posts:

teen sex
teen nudity, internet

#2 Secret of the Parenting Universe Revealed: (Hint: Video Games and Violence)

"About 90 percent of U.S. kids ages 8 to 16 play video games, and they spend about 13 hours a week doing so (more if you're a boy). Now a new study suggests virtual violence in these games may make kids more aggressive in real life." (Pediatrics journal, November 2008)

Surprised? After years of us parents having no clue :), this study shows that kids who play violent video games ARE more aggressive in real life. Ohhhh, and all this time I thought letting my kid immerse himself in hours and hours of uninterrupted violence, killing human prey or enemies by gun, knife, chain saw, explosives--whatever--was a GOOD thing. Wow, my bad.

My whole world doesn't make sense now.

I have some experience in research so I always love when a study says something like this one does, "Japanese children rated their own behavior in terms of physical aggression, such as hitting, kicking or getting into fights with other kids; the U.S. children rated themselves too, but the researchers took into account reports from their peers and teachers as well."

Well that is proof enough for me! Kids self-assessing along with teachers (not parents??) and peers (who don't want to rat out their friend)--now those are FACTS you can stand on. One researcher described this study as "pretty good evidence" of a link between virtual and real life violence. Huh?

Okay, so this study suffers from "stating the obvious-itis." That aside, it does offer us some good reminders of the potential downside to
violent video games:

* Kids could internalize the message that the world is hostile and acting aggressively is on OK way to deal.

* Kids could become de-sensitized to violence, emotionally numb. This makes it easier for kids to become violent.

* The pervasiveness of violence in media has led to a "culture of disrespect"
in which children get the message that it's acceptable to treat one another rudely and even aggressively.

Here are some things you can do:

1) For YEARS all good parents have felt "conflicted" between letting our kids do what they like--playing video games with fake people, and making them do what they don't like--playing outside with other real people. Nevertheless...outside is good. Kids now just don't readily get the whole "outside" excitement thing because it is new to them. Push them OUT--and join them to insure optimum fun.

2) Limit time on video games. You have the right to do this.

3) Especially with young kids, keep the game system in a public area where you can observe and monitor.

4) Abide by game ratings. (Make sure games are appropriate for your child.)

So dads, I guess we should no longer count on bonding moments with our sons shouting "Head shot, son! Shoot him in the head!" Let's hear a collective, aaaawwwwww. :) NOW, what are we supposed to bond over with our kids????

Okay, so another secret of the parenting universe is revealed...at least until the next study comes out and contradicts it. I expect that before Christmas :)

Here are some books to learn more about our digital kids and the effect of violent media upon them:
Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do
101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking
Grown Up Digital: How the Net Generation is Changing Your World HC
Born Digital: Understanding the First Generation of Digital Natives

Related topics and posts:
Violence
Risky Bevavior
Better monitor and better control your child's video game playing, click on this link: Video game playing guidelines and advice!

To see the original article, click on this link: Violent video games linked to child aggression

Talula Does the Hula and More Great Names for Children (Families in the News, #8)

(New Zealand) Some names are so weird they constitute child abuse, according to a court in New Zealand. The family court judge reached that conclusion after hearing evidence in the case of a girl named "Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii." In a nutshell: The clueless parents were so resolute in keeping their daughter's name as it was, that she had to take them to court and become a ward of the state just to get her name changed. Sheesh!

Yes, Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii was her name. It's not just stars like Courteney Cox and Gwyneth Paltrow coming up with wackadoo names for their kids (Coco and Apple respectively). There are also the wonderful names us regular folks come up with, like Tamikalashika Chantalisha Wilson, or Princess Chiquita-Kiwi Smith, or even starry names my high school creative writing teacher gave her girls: Glitter, Sparkle, and Twinkle. (Hey man...it was the late 70's man, and man she was like, far out, hippy-ish, funky and cool--one of my favorite teachers).

So getting back to Talula...and the twins named Benson and Hedges. Fortunately, New Zealand authorities have been able to prevent unsmart parents from using these names: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucky, Sex Fruit, Fat Boy, Satan, Adolf Hitler and 4Real.

Some "rather unfortunate" names that made it through the system were: O.crnia (after how her mother spelled "Oceania" when texting), Violence, Midnight Chardonnay and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

A few rules of thumb for naming your kids...

1) Don't name your child when under the influence. If history has taught us anything, it is, do not name children when drunk, just after dropping acid, or while tripping on hash--or conversely, when you are off your prescribed meds. This is where names like "Euphoric Fruit Punch," "Moon Doe", "Harmony Vibe" and all variations of "Sky" came from (Skye, Skytripper, etc.)

2) Avoid referencing your current emotion or state of mind. We know having a baby makes you feel "Happy", or "Sleepy" or even "Hiptastic", but don't be "Dopey" or your kid will end up "Grumpy." "Joy" is okay--though not for a boy--Joy-Boy bad. "Hiptastic" is not good for a girl or boy.

3) It's not about YOU! It's not about having a lifelong joke to tell, memorializing a favorite memory (Yeah Detroit couldn't have come from that...:) ) or paying tribute to a hero. One unfortunate girl has 25 middle names, all after prize fighters: "Autumn Sullivan Corbett Fitzsimmons Jeffries Hart Burns Johnson Willard Dempsey Tunney Schmeling Sharkey Carnera Baer Braddock Louis Charles Walcott Marciano Patterson Johansson Liston Clay Frazier Foreman Brown."

Apparently this was done because her grandparents were, "obsessed with boxing and have a bit of a daft sense of humor." Yes, daft captures it.

4) Name the child Jacob or Emily---like EVERYONE else!!! (Top names this year.) But avoid the temptation to name him or her Jacily (Ja-silly). Okay, thanks.

In COMMENTS below, let us know...

• some of the crazy child names amongst your friends and family.
• what you think of parents who do this.
• if a bad or unusual name is a form of child abuse as the New Zealand court ruled.
• great sources for child names...that won't land you in court with your kid some day.

To read the original article, follow this link (from July 2008): http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2008/07/parents-lose-cu.html and http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2007/06/one-baby-girl-n.html?loc=interstitialskip

Be sure to visit our sister site:Click here to go to Things Good Parents Do

Click on this link to be taken to top parenting site, Parentconsensus.com: The Website Every Parent Needs

Click on this link to find out how to have discussions with your teen (with a dork-free guarantee)! : 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking

Here is the current, #1 selling book on baby names (click on the link for info): The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby

For "Buzz Worthy Baby Names" I recommend: http://www.buzzworthybabynames.blogspot.com/

How Being a Boy Almost Killed Me (If My Parents Had Known, They WOULDA' Killed Me!)

When I was growing up, I could have died. Real bad. A whole bunch of times. And my parents never knew it until now. ("Hi mom and dad!")

Oh and don't feel so smug about your kids. Chances are you won't find out until 20 years from now about the numb-skulled, death-defying craziness your child is into RIGHT NOW. I am talking about the kind of stuff that could turn them into a potted plant--or plant them six feet under. (Think of all YOUR death-defying "Jackass TV show"-like near death experiences!) And why don't you know? Because they are afraid you would KILL them if you found out!

Here were just a few of my near-death experiences:

Death By Hot Dog and Kool-Aid--I was 5-years-old, at my friend Bernard's birthday party. There were many hot dogs. Me and Bernard, being the party "clowns"--competed to see how many we could stuff into our mouths. I ended up with such a huge wad of hotdog and bun in my mouth that I could not chew or swallow. That LAST thing I was going to do was spit out the whole glob...but I swear it was about to gag me.

Some kids noticed and started making fun and laughing. I couldn't help myself and started laughing real hard which made me choke real bad. I ran to a bush, and spit out a real lot. I returned to the table and drank some Kool-Aid. I started laughing again--and Kool-Aid came out of my nose!! I was petrified--I thought it was blood. I seriously thought I could have died real bad--twice in 3 minutes.

Arrows From Heaven
There was this time when I was 5 or 6, playing with a big group of kids, when a teenage boy invited us over to his back yard. We were honored a cool teenager even paid attention to us without trying to take our money or push us around. So we went.

The game he introduced us to this day was simple: He would shoot target arrows up into the sky...and all us little kids would try to avoid them as they came back down. :)

What a blast! When his friend joined him and we had two arrows to stay away from it got really crazy! What a fun time--that is, until I got tired of looking up. That's when a falling arrow grazed my shoulder. Six inches over...at best I'd still be trying to re-learn my ABC's today, worst-case I could have been dead, real bad.

BB Gun Ricochet
Like Ralphie in, A Christmas Story, I TOO got a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. I was 9. Just like Ralphie, I put the target right up against a piece of scrap metal, pumped off a shot and I was HIT! On the arm...a foot and a half higher, it could have put my eye out...or gone through the eye and into my brain and I would have been dead, real bad.

Freewheelin' on Benton Hill
We had this steep hill in our neighborhood. We loved to freewheel down the hill on bikes at terrifying speed. (Freewheel=the bravest/ toughest kids put our feet up onto our handle bars--totally off the pedals and unable to brake). At the very bottom of this steep hill was a blind cross street--you couldn't really see the traffic coming in time to save you--you just tried to navigate into a certain long driveway--or you would meet the curb at high speed. Oh yeah, death was possible, by car or by curb.

I was ten when I went freewheeling down Benton Hill for like the hundredth time in my life. Maybe I was cocky. Maybe I just got careless... I almost hit a car. A braking driver, a curb, and a nice big bush saved me from being dead, real bad.

There were others--getting a dart stuck in my cheek--about 2 inches from my eye (I was throwing them into the basement ceiling): going headfirst over the handlebars of my 10-speed and landing on my head, and so on. But the point is made. Though being a boy almost killed me, I survived. You survived. And so did these boys...

COULD THIS BE YOUR CHILD IN THIS SHOPPING CART?



CAUTION: BAD LANGUAGE...VOLUME OFF TO AVOID...


Only "advice" I can give here is...protect your kids all you want. You can't keep them safe every second of the day--even if you're the BEST parent in the whole wide world, and you are constantly hovering. Protective actions are prudent. Freaking out too much due to over-protectiveness will introduce a weirdness into your relationship which will rob your kid(s) of some of the most important things you are to provide as a parent--a sense of safety, security, and confidence in facing life in this big, bad old world.

SO what can you do? Go give your kid(s) a hug, tell them how much you love them. And let them know that if they ever do something stupid that gets them dead real bad...you're gonna have to kill them. But then again, they know that already :)

Click here to read a post on this blog about the teen brain and risk-taking behavior--why it happens and what you can do to try and stop it!

In COMMENTS below, please:

• Tell about times when you were a kid and almost ended up "dead, real bad".


• How do YOU find peace when fear for your child's safety overwhelms you?


• What are some practical things you do to keep your child safe?

Need to compare notes with other parents on all things parenting? Visit the website every parent needs: Click here to visit now!

Have quality conversations with your teenager that don't make you feel like a dork, with 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking (Yes, that's a dork-free guarantee!) Click here to learn more!

Ain't Nothin' But a Twin Thang! (Sibling Rivalry x10...and what to do about it)

I have an identical twin. His name is Phil. Mine is James ("Jimmy" way back when, Jim now). So there was no cutesy name stuff happening, thank God. No Jimmy and Timmy, Billy Bobby and Bobby Robby, or Skeeter and Peter. One small grace in an otherwise graceless situation.

Many people would say to us "being a twin must be awesome!" We would just look at the person in amazement, and say (probably in unison), "Now you are just talking like a crazy person!"

Mom used to talk crazy too. I think we were 3-4 when mom started telling us stuff like, "If you ever need a kidney, your brother could give you one of his!" This brought up a few questions:

"What's a kidney?"

"How? Does he reach inside, take it out and hand it over?"

Mom answered our questions (but she had to be wrong--GROSS!) But I couldn't imagine my brother giving me a kidney--at least not without a fight. We fought over food, friends, toys and every other possession...didn't look good for kidney sharing.

You see as twins we were already conditioned in hundreds of different ways to to be enemies, adversaries, competitors...not charitable givers--at least not to one another. If you think sibling rivalry is bad...for twins who shared the same egg and DNA...it's rivalry x 10, I promise you.

It meant, separate birthday party tables (better be the same number of kids at each--and have friends switch tables at mid-party), separate birthday cakes (better be the SAME exact size), same IDENTICAL toys (though when possible, different colors), and absolutely equal treatment in EVERY area from hugs and snuggles, encouragement and praise, to food portions, parental time, attention, interest--everything.

Mom would talk with other mothers who would ask the typical...Who was born first? (me by 6 minutes...na-na-na-na-na-na!) Who walked first? Who talked first? Which one is/ was the best baby? Me and Phil treasured all this information...ammunition in the battle for superiority.

Here is just a small sampling of the constant reminders to me and Phil that we were competitors for the hearts and minds of everyone in our world...

• Mom says there were times when one of us was breast-fed twice...while the other one got nothing. That right there is enough to put us at each other's throats for a lifetime, but I will continue...


• Grandma gave our older brother and sister $10 each for their birthdays. She gave Phil and me $10 to split between us. Yes, this happened. This almost put me in therapy.


• Which of you is smartest? ("Me...duhhhhh!" If people who asked us this had been smarter, we'd have been nicer when responding...)


• Which one of you is the ladies man/ has had the most girlfriends? (This one was extended even onto our girlfriends, "Which one of you has the prettiest girlfriend?" We would also have girls come up to us and decide out loud who was cutest or who had the best personality...nothing like losing that one.)


• Which of you is strongest/ most athletic? Which is better at baseball? Football? Basketball? Faster? Throws farthest? Hits a baseball best? and so on. Might as well say it...who's the REAL man between you two...and who's the sissy?


• Which of you has the most friends? (Well, minus you now for asking, that means I have this many ____.)

And on, and on , and on.

Me and Phil share the same DNA, but we are very different. We have different personalities, temperaments, talents, gifts, interests, opinions--quite a list. At times we can still finish one another's sentences. But not as much anymore. The point is, we are very different and so is every child.

Each child has a different "love language"--a different way each needs to be nurtured, built up, guided, challenged, and disciplined--through hundreds of different words, actions and attitudes that ultimately say, "I love YOU!" The key is for us to strive to treat each child as an individual, to never define one child in comparison to another. We have to refuse to compare our child unfavorably with another as a motivational ploy as well (ex. "Why can't you earn better grades, like your brother/ __________ [someone else's kid]?")

Finally, if you ever meet a twin, look into their eyes with compassion, give them a sympathetic nod that says, "I know". Then give them a $20--or whatever cash you have on you...(cause if Grandma didn't short-change them, some uncle with a bad sense of humor did)

Please respond to the following questions in COMMENTS below...

• What struggles with sibling rivalry have you had in your home? What has worked for you in resolving them? In preventing rivalry?
• So what do you do to make sure your kids feel loved as individuals?
• Oh, or you can just tell us about your painful (or magical) twin experience...

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Do All White People Like to Hate Their Parents?

Do all white children hate their parents? One blogger who hit the big-time seems to think so.

Christian Lander, (white guy) author of the humorous blog, "Stuff White People Like" is now the author of the top-selling book, Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions. In that book he asserts that white people hate their parents--here's how it goes:

"If you are a strict parent who makes your kids have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed, then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, and relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida....


On the other hand, if you are a super-laid-back parent who lets your kids go to parties and drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their lives--dropping out of college, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate you for being too lax and not caring enough." (Source: Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions, Random House 2008, pages 20-21)

(If you're white, appreciate quirky humor, and aren't too thin-skinned, you'll get a kick out of the book.)

Now some parents say, "if your kid doesn't hate you, you're not doing your job." I am more of the mind that, if your kid hates you all the time...you may need to dial down on the intensity in the parenting approach. But yeah, I agree, if you are doing the job, yes, your child will feel some intense negative feelings from time-to-time. Yes, possibly even hate. And yes, they will pen the dark poetry and pour out the pain in their myspace blog page.

You are not alone!

Every kid has his moments. I sure did...but not my kids, because unlike you, I am perfect...I am the guy behind parentconsensus for crying out loud! (Yes, I am kidding.)

Saying "no." Denying our kids stuff they want with all their heart is definitely a part of living the parenting DREAM. Not allowing our children to do something "EVERYONE ELSE gets to do" is so much FUN! Aren't our kids angry or sad responses SUCH a blast? Don't you just LIVE for saying "no" to your kids? (I should hope you're pickin' up on my sarcasm---layin' it on pretty thick!)

Sometimes we can get pretty beat up by the wings of our little angels and their freedom slaps...er, flaps as they ascend. At times, your home is going to seem like a battle scene from Braveheart--your kid with face painted blue, screaming for freedom...oh yeah, nothing like it.

Don't go it alone. You'll need someone to stand with you, giving you strength to do what hurts like heck in the short-term (days, could be longer). Someone to encourage you to do exactly the right thing--for the best long term good of all involved.

Make sure you and your spouse are standing together. If there is no spouse, you need a solid friend (a parent), who shares your values to stand with you.

Stand strong. Even if everything in you feels like giving in or giving up.

Oh, and no matter how bad your kids may seem to hate you at times, as long as they don't end up in a Thai prison...you done good :)

Click here to order the book: Stuff White People Like


In the Comments below, talk about the one KEY person (or group) in your life who helps you to stand strong as a parent. What does this person (or group) do to help you stay strong as a parent even when your child "hates" you?

When is it toughest for you to take the hard stands as a parent (to say "no", to not allow them something "EVERYONE else" gets to do)? How do you handle this?

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Mom Drives Daughter to a Beat-Down: Families in the News, Part 6

"PHOENIX — Surprise police have arrested a mother they say drove her daughter and her friends to a rival's home so they could assault her."

One more from the chapter of "Jim's Book" called..."Well I May Not Be the the Best Parent in the World, But At Least I've Never Done Anything THIS Stupid," to help us all feel better about our parentin' skillz!

Okay, so "allegedly" :) this mom passed over a number of fun things she and her daughter COULD have done one day, (oh, you know, like working on homework together, learning a new skill, working out, seeing a movie, shopping, having a great discussion over a cappucino, etc.) opting instead to drive her daughter and some friends over to beat down a rival.

Sure she could have had a teachable moment here with her daughter on stuff oh, maybe like...self-control, anger management, conflict resolution, how to obey the law, how not to be a moron--you know, stuff like that. She gets an "A" for creativity though. I mean driving my teen daughter and friends over to beat up another teenage girl has never occurred to un-creative me.

I can just imagine the eulogy for this mom when that day comes. Daughter is teary-eyed in front of the folks gathered there, weeping, saying "There were so many treasured times with my moms...like that time she drove me and my peeps over to Tamika's house--that girl was always talking trash--and we gave Tamika a beat down--or tried--and me and moms got arrested together...(sniff!)...good times! I'll miss her so much! Peace mom--much love (pound chest)--Word!."

Now I hear there is more to the story than this. Of course there is :) There always is. But it still doesn't change the fact that mommy dearest has some o' her own learnin' to get done. I guess the thing too is, I see so many parents in public settings teaching their kids to be "ugly" that it is worth bringing up here.

Case in point: At a championship soccer playoff game here in Florida, I saw parents storm onto a soccer field (after a hard foul between players) and start pushing opposing players around!! The teenage players had to control their parents!

Onto someone else's case: The other day, a certain woman standing behind me in line with her daughter at a drugstore decided she had waited in line long enough (an elderly woman was moving a little slow paying the cashier). "Forget this!", she said loudly and agrily, as she tossed aside the items she had intended to purchase. She stormed out of the store, her embarrassed young daughter in tow, the daughter asking "Mommy, what's wrong? Mommy what happened?"

So here are some questions for the COMMENTS below:

When your kids have been wronged or mistreated and they are angry, how do you help them decompress? How do you help them manage the anger?

What are some rules you have for maintaining your self-control when you want to go off on someone--especially in front of your kids?

(Source AP, via Fox News) To get a few more details, see the link:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,431947,00.html

Need to talk about anger management and conflict resolution with your teenager? See the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Familiees Talking! Click here for more info:
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Top 10 Things Parents Should Let Their Children Do at Restaurants!

I am begging all parents to PLEASE let your child do the following things at restaurants:

#10) Encourage children to whirl and dance in youthful glee around the tables. Note the look of enjoyment and smiles of appreciation on all the people around you as little Tiffany twirls and spins--(she is, after all going to be a ballerina one day and you've ALWAYS encouraged her dancing). This is especially fun when the child zips amongst all the elderly folks walking with canes and waitresses carrying large platters of HOT food!! Yes, by all means dance, dance, dance little ballerina!

#9) Give car keys to the little ones to shake constantly, without stopping--ever. Keys are especially tasty in the mouth--yum, yum...and they're not as sharp as they look or as dirty as you think. Even better...make it a FUN GAME for little Billy Bobby, allowing him to throw the keys to the floor, or over to the next table--to test the reflexes of the man innocently seated there. That's the best!

#8) Give kids lots and lots of sugar packets. Open them all. What they don't eat, they can use for art projects on the table, or to blow into the face of their sibling. Join them! Oh what fun this is, drawing our names, little faces, and cartoons into the sugar! How creative! Salt works too...but don't let them eat that! And then, don't even clean up the mess...leave it for the busboy to handle--that's their job after all.

#7) Let the children scream. Your little Madison has such a blood-curdling scream, so why not just let the child exercise those vocal chords? That way when they are a singing star (surely they will be) you can always recall such moments fondly with "she's always had a great pair of lungs!" Do NOT attempt to quiet the child. Stay involved in your chit-chat. Don't check the diaper or to see if the pacifier has fallen out...no,no,no, let 'em scream! Who knows, maybe everyone around will join in eventually? (I bet they just might!)

#6) Allow your child to perfect the fine art of spitball shooting. Oh, good shot right in the middle of the forehead! Sure, an errant spitball may hit an unsuspecting diner, but c'mon...if that diner decides to be a big baby about that, it's his problem. They need to learn to share the space with little angels like ours. Shoot those spitballs, get that battle goin'!

#5) Let the child find out what can and cannot be catapulted using fork or spoon. (So he or she will develop engineering skills and be good at Geometry one day.) The jelly packet got nice distance! The catsup container...not so much. Better practice at home (oh, that's right, we don't DO that at home.)

#4) Be sure to bring that talking or musical toy as electronic baby sitter. Then you and your spouse or friend can just talk louder too. Best yet, bring only one such toy with two kids. That way, little Jack and Hanna can perfect their arguing and negotiation skills--possibly even their hitting skills as you, oblivious, enjoy your meal! Perhaps those around you will join in and sing with the toy!

#3) Don't intervene when the child puts gloppy hands onto the hair or shirt of the guy in the booth behind you. After all, little Sammy is just curious and SO friendly. If guy notices glop in hair or on shirt, just give him a smile and a "kids-will-be-kids" shrug! Make a half-hearted attempt to try and correct Sammy. But don't seriously attempt to stop his socializing by insisting he sit down and turn around in his seat to face the table. Go back to checking your Crackberry and let him do this 10-11 more times to the stranger--don't say a thing more about it. Let Sammy choose how to behave. Wheee boy!

#2) Let children serve themselves at the buffet bar...sampling at will, sticking hands directly in the food, dropping food off their plate onto the floor, coughing and sneezing on the food, wiping their nose with their hand and using it to scoop up Mac and cheese. It's a buffet...everybody gets to pick what they want and serve themselves! For a second, think of helping the child, but once the fresh yeast rolls are out--RUN for them! Leave little Hailey there for other adults to help...it's every man, woman and child for themselves--it's YEAST rolls man!

and #1) Encourage loud slurping on finished soft drinks, and loud burps. One or even a few times is NOT ENOUGH. Must keep doing constantly. Burp the alphabet. Burp a song. Join in with the child. Burp and slurp your little heart out with little Richie! Encourage him by agreeing with Shrek, "Better out than in, I always say! Ha-Ha! Hee-hee!"

After all...kids WILL be kids and adults just need to learn to deal! Right?

Yes, I am trying reverse psychology--thanks for picking up on that. Stop the madness!

Actually, all this to ask, "What are some manners you emphasize to your kids on restaurant behavior and HOW do you do teach them manners?" Please leave your comments below!

(Thanks Sally P. for brainstorming on a few of these!)

Compare notes with other parents on all things parenting at "the website every parent needs": http://www.parentconsensus.com

Talk with your teenagers about how to treat others with respect and courtesy with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. Find out more at this link: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Family Time or Family Crime? What's Your Legacy?

I am a big fan of parents making sure they pass on to their children solid life skills and an honorable legacy. Good stuff.

But what about when one's life skill and legacy is...um...crime? (And one is not very good at it--cause one is caught, convicted and sentenced?) Turns out that gets passed down too.

A recent article from indystar.com, "Lawless Legacy: Eastside Family Has 50 Convictions", tells of a family from Indianapolis that has racked up 50 convictions and a total of 110 years in jail. Let's do the math: father Paul Sr., 66, has nine convictions, for which he has been sentenced to 45 years. Five of his six children -- Paul Jr., 38; John, 37; Brian, 36; Jeremy, 35; and Jenny, 34 -- have been convicted a combined 39 times and have been sentenced to a total of 65 years in prison.

Though this is an extreme case, the fact is, each of us is building a legacy that we will leave behind. Our lives "live on" beyond us, through our children.


We have to ask ourselves, "What is the legacy I will leave? What of me will live on in my child/ children when I am gone?"

And let's put a finer point on it...legacies are for the living. Which of our positive values, qualities, characteristics, strengths or traits do we see reflected in our kids--right now? (This is a tough one) Which of our shortcomings, faults, negative traits and weaknesses do we see in our kids today? Let's be honest. What of us do we want to end with us...and what do we want to see live on in our kids?

The good news is...we can still change our legacy. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"...is just a saying, and is not the final word on any of us. Each of us can change.


Though we can't rewrite the past, the future is yet to be written. Each of us has a whole lot more love and goodness to share, so much left to give to our kids (parenting IS a lifelong privilege...though ever-changing and evolving).

"Legacy" sounds ominous. Let's break it down. Legacies are formed one step at a time, involving hundreds of individual decisions, actions, interactions and memories. They can be reformed the same way--one step at a time.


What ONE thing can you do tomorrow as a legacy builder for you and your child/ children? (Is there an act of kindness you can do together? A table talk you can have over a meal, perhaps sharing favorite family memories? Anything that allows your children to see the best in you will do. :)


There is no better legacy than the living kind--seeing the best in us lived out daily in the lives of our kids.


In the comments below...share your legacy builders!

--Jim Kochenburger



Take some positive steps toward legacy building with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. You can find out more about this book at this link: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

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To see the original indystar article, cick here: http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080921/NEWS02/809210372

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The Family That Beats Up People Together...Stays Together?

In Baton Rouge, Lousiana an 18-year-old and his 53-year-old mother, were arrested for a recent road rage incident that ended with the severe beating of a 70-year-old man. Apparently, the young "real smart" guy knocked an elderly man's front teeth out and caused such injury to his mouth that it took 40 stitches to sew his upper lip back together. Oh, and here's the best part--it is reported the young man's mother helped with the beating. (Source, AP, 9-19-08, article "Police: Mother, Son Arrested for Severe Road-Rage Beating of 70-Year-Old")

What a beautiful story--a mother and son bonding over their shared beating of an elderly man. Well there's one for the family scrap book and to share proudly at the family barbecue...

"Yep, my son done tore that feller up!"

"Well, um...but the guy was OLD, older than Papa over there...."

"It don't matter...you do me wrong, I take care of it."

"That's right son...you make your momma proud."

Now I am sure there is more to the story. We all know how inimidating and scary elderly people can be. And this guy was probably like most elderly men, dressed in his leathers and his big old bad dude shades. He was likely driving his pimped out low rider, pumping his rap music so loud that the cars around him were vibrating in circles, wheel covers shaking off and rattling to the street. Yep, we all know how initimidating a 70-year old can be...

There is an undercurrent of meanness in our country that is unnerving to me. I experience it or observe it every day (hey, I drive in Altamonte Springs Florida, aggressive, mean driving is a favorite pastime of ours).

Just a reminder to all of us...let's come against the meanness with kindness. When we allow ourselves to be rude and mean we fail to love others, we fail our kids and if we have any conscience, we fail ourselves. We know better. And when we are stupid or mean (come on EVERYONE has their moments...some their hours) we should allow ourselves to feel ashamed and we should work HARD to change. Let's give our kids a model to follow and respect and something better for them to live up to.

--Jim Kochenburger

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Here is the link to the story, courtesy of Fox News: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,425324,00.html

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Fun on Flight 1703 (The Zippy and Lippy Show or Dad Gone Wild!)

This past Christmas season my family and I traveled to New York City, (a favorite destination of ours--especially around Christmas). The trip was amazing--Central Park, The Grinch and A Color Purple on Broadway (go Fantasia!), pizza at Famous Ray's (on 42nd St.), M&M's superstore, breakfast in a diner with singing serving staff, and a number of memorably aromatic cab rides:) A good time was had by all. And now we were flying home to the land of Mickey Mouse--with a plane packed full of giddy would-be mouseketeers.


There were no signs of trouble initially, all was well. Take-off and climb to cruising altitude--no flames, sudden dives, or oxygen masks dropping down--so, you know, a good flight. There were four young kids and an elderly couple occupying the two rows in front of mine...the couple was not connected with the kids. But I didn't panic--the kids were being kids (a little loud, a little rambunctious) but they were cool--nothing outrageous. I turned up the ipod and we all settled in for a fun flight.

Then he arrived...(not actual, but similar)

Before I continue, there is one thing you need to know about me: I need more patience, have needed more all my life (slow learner), so God sends me a pretty steady flow of "helpers" to help build my character.

For example, if there is a guy in a church service who is tone deaf and bellowing with abandon to the worship songs, look over and you'll see me--right in front of him.

Guy who takes a cell phone call during a movie, talking loud ("Hey man, yo, what up?...")--he's right behind me.

Slow, oblivious drivers using their cell phones, listing back and forth between the lines--there I am, right behind them (Serenity...NOW).


My latest "helper" (let's call him "Zippy"--name changed to protect the guilty) came tearing up the aisle and slid to the row in front of me (safe!)--to peals of laughter from the children in front of me. Zippy, a young "real smart kid" of 10 or 11 stood up and fell down HARD on top of two of his friends, dragging himself over them as they shouted in pain...all the way to the window seat (directly in front of me--of course). He said a "soap in your mouth" word and pulled a younger boy out of the seat. When the younger boy tried to resist and cried out in pain, Zippy predictably replied "Cry baby, cry! Waaaahhhh...Waaaaahh... Waaaaah... repeat... repeat." Finally, with a loud, "I'm gonna tell mom!", the younger boy fled to the back of the plane, no doubt to where the proud parents of Zippy were.

Zippy had barely plunked down in his seat before slamming down his seat back, knocking my ipod (my favorite possession in the whole wide world) off the tray :) He then began a repertoire of mischief that was pushing every button in this dad who needs patience (Serenity...NOW!).

First he thought it would be fun to REPEATEDLY hit his head and back against his seat back with great force--for several minutes. Unable to use my tray, I shut it (with slightly more force than necessary--he got the hint). I thanked God for my children.

Touching the hair and face of the girl in front of him was his favorite, which she thought was fun the first 50 times or so, but after like the 500th time, her patience was wearing thin and she was shrieking at him ("Stop it Zippy, I mean it!", "I'm going to tell your mother", Quit it!") all to the "enjoyment" of the elderly couple beside her. This went on for like an hour (or 10-15 minutes). What fun--wish I had a tazer! (I close my eyes and imagine tazering Zippy...and smile.) (Serenity...NOW!)

Throwing things was Zippy's next best idea. Napkins, ice and snack items were his favorite ammo. And he began stealing the same from his friends for more ammo. Which means there was a CONSTANT bickering and arguing. My right eye was starting to twitch. I am now looking for something to throw...something hard....can't find. (Serenity...NOW!)

Profanity laced acapella rap by the young lad was the final "gift" bestowed on me and the elderly couple nearby. Zippy's previous victim, the young girl, tried to shush him--trying to help him behave--which of course only encouraged him to get louder and to refer to her as a "Ho!", as in "Shut up, Ho!" Things were WAY out of hand. That was the final straw. The young girl stood with a huff, then clambered over the feet of the elderly couple and went to the rear of the plane. She returned with a reluctant authority figure--Zippy's dad. Yay!! (God had heard my fervent prayer. Surely now everything would be better. Right? Not so fast.)

Zippy was glad to see dad--let's call him Lippy (you'll know why in a minute). No sooner had dad displaced the child in the aisle seat, and moved Zippy beside him into the middle seat, when HE started doing the SAME THINGS his son had been doing. I WISH I was lying.

Lippy was a "real smart dad" so he began throwing napkins, ice, snacks. He started bothering the little girl that his spawn had been bothering--in the process accidentally kicking the seat of the elderly man in front of him several times, hard. (The elderly man was no doubt thinking, "I have what maybe a few more years left and I have to deal with THIS??"). Though dad didn't bust a profane rhyme, he had something EVEN BETTER.

He started making FART noises--yes, loud, ugly FART noises. An adult man...probably in his forties...making FART noises--to the giggles and laughter of the children, especially Zippy, who just beamed with validation and pride. He and dad were bonding. And Lippy went ON and ON doing this.

Finally, the old man seated in front of the father got up, turned around and said "Excuse me, how old are you?"

Lippy is shocked by this, because he is, well...missing the "consideration" gene, absolutely clueless.

"Old enough to know better sir, [FART noise]" is his "real smart" reply. The old man simply sat down. Zippy and Lippy kept one another entertained with FART noises for the remainder of the flight, to the misery :) of everyone around them.

(Serenity...NOW!)

Hillary Clinton famously said, "It takes a village to raise a child." I would add, "It takes only the village idiot to raise an idiot. :)

To the parents who don't understand what Lippy did wrong :) just a word--connecting with your kids doesn't mean behaving WORSE than them. Say no to stupid. Say YES to maturity. Maturity wants to be your friend. Maturity good.

(Serenity...NOW!)

(Disclaimer: No child is a true idiot---there is hope for them and some adults. We're all sometimes "idiots." No idiots were harmed in the writing of this blog or by the blog writer. And normally we love stupid people, just harder to do when we are trapped on a plane with them. Oh, and no I would never tazer a child, nor do I condone, etc., etc.)

--Jim Kochenburger

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I Am in Dulles Airport on 9/11...Observing Parents and Others

I am sitting in Dulles Airport, in DC, on 9/11 after missing my return flight home. (Love them last minute gate changes that aren't clearly communicated--I stepped away to browse books--must have been then.)

When I asked the woman at the gate what happened, she explained, I guess. It was in such a thick accent, I just couldn't understand a word (it was like calling HP support). I apologized for not understanding and asked her to repeat what she said. She looked at me sourly and loudly repeated what she said (as if shouting it loud enough would suddenly make me understand her language.) A sympathetic fellow traveler clued me in. Brother--a 3-hour wait.

I go to buy a pretzel...I wait until the pretzel person gets done talking to her friends before she waits on me. After I order my pretzel, she resumes the conversation...I have to interrupt to let her know I would like a drink. I was nice. She acts like I was rude. Perhaps she is not living her dream at the pretzel shop.

As I stroll back to the gate, I see a French woman is in her child's face, then slapping him on his arm for throwing a temper tantrum over a candy bar he wants. Perhaps she is unaware that "in this great country" of Patriot Fries, we do not strike small fries...and how lucky she is we don't call a cop over to do his job and cart her off to the slammer. Maybe I'll call...I have time to kill. (I decide not because she stops--and my pretzel isn't getting any warmer or softer.)

I sit down and bite into my pretzel. Mmmm.

My bliss is interrupted by an elderly woman on the cell phone beside me. She is talking to her son, describing some intestinal "irritable bowel" type symptoms--in detail. How happy he must be to have picked up the phone. As our parents get older, one of the toughest issues to get used to is their preoccupation with physical maladies (not my parents...others "Hi mom!")

So vivid is her description, frequncy, color, consistency--my stomach is queasy. I leave my pretzel for later when I can block this lady's conversation out of my mind.

I retire to the restroom in case I can't recover--seeking a refuge. The guy in the stall next to me is using the toilet (sitting down) and is also on the phone with his assistant, a woman--you can just tell. I flush like 5 times on purpose. Person on phone with him must have asked "Where are you?" He says, "In the bathroom." She gets off the phone fast. He has no clue why. Of course. (Friend, if you are so important and busy that you even have to use the phone when going #2...you're too busy...and nobody's that important.) By the way, he is still fiddling with his phone when he leaves--he doesn't wash his hands. These kind never do.

A toddler beside me is eating a bag of candy. It is after 9 PM. Kid is doing handstands and somersaults, double back flips (no lie!), jumping, dancing, leaping, stepping all over my feet. You could have put up a tent around this tot and charged admission. The young mother--bless her heart--is shouting faux "correctives" REALLY LOUD (I have a headache, and she isn't using her "inside voice"), "ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT SEEING MINNIE?"

"YES!!!!" her daughter screams and whirls.

"ARE YOU GOING TO BE GOOD, CAUSE MINNIE WANTS YOU TO BE GOOD?!"

"YES!" as she spins and falls on the elderly lady on the other side of me.

"SAY YOU'RE SORRY FOR FALLING ON THE OLD LADY!"

"NO!"

"WELL, THAT WON'T MAKE MINNIE HAPPY!"

"P-P-S-P-L-P-L-P-S--L-P-L (raspberry sounds). ME...NOT CARE!!!!!"

Being Mr. Parentconsensus, I think of stepping in to cast a few pearls of fatherly wisdom to this mom, or to smile sympathetically and nod knowingly, but just then, the little girl falls and hits her head on the floor. She is screaming and crying. Mom is shouting "comfort" phrases over her daughter's boo-boo, boo-hoo's...which, surprisingly :) seems to make things worse.

"DID YOU GO BOOM?"

"DID YOU FAH DOWN?"

"OH, YOU'RE OKAY?" "OHHHHH-OH-OH, YOU'RE OKAY, ETC., REPEAT...REPEAT...REPEAT.

My head is splitting now.

I am called to board. Just in time. Whew!

I get to my seat to find my new seatmates...

"WHAT DOES MINNIE SAY?..."

--Jim Kochenburger

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