Important Message on Monitoring Your Children and Teenagers Online

Important: This is NOT one of those wonderful blogs that do nothing but advertise products, or offer faux reviews. This is a one-time suggestion of a software to protect your children online. If you'd prefer to leave now, consider these blog posts of mine that a lot of people seemed to enjoy:
Ugly Son? It's Dad's Fault, Study Shows...
Gag-Proof Your Parenting Attitude! (Get the Funk Out Your Home!)
The Zippy and Lippy Show--Dad Gone Wild!

Here is a link to this GREAT software! Spector Pro 6.0

Still here? Okay, here's the deal...there are many different software programs out there to help keep your child safe on the Internet. But once your child gets into the upper-elementary age-group, such software becomes far less effective (kids can't get to the game sites or music sites they want to get to with the other software and you have to set the filters to be so loose, the protection of the software becomes practically useless).

As kids get older, you need a way to MONITOR them. (At least that's been my experience. But perhaps your child is perfect. :)

Features of Spector Pro. Spector Pro’s excellent combination of monitoring features: Screen Snapshots, Chat/IM Activity, Web Sites Visited, Email Activity, Program Activity and Keywords Detected. They also have three new features: MySpace Activity, Online Searches and Top 10 Summary Reports.

Without getting into too much detail, our monitoring has kept our daughter safe several times already. One time we were alerted she had tried to input our address. Another time we were alerted to cyber-bullying. A third time we picked up on some boys that were 19 and 20 flirting with our daughter online and trying to get her to meet them (then 14)--that one was a lot of fun.

That is what makes this software so good.

Plus the install was easy and the customer service was excellent. So if you want it, go ahead and buy it. If you don't want it or if you are uncomfortable with that level of monitoring of your child's online activity, simply don't buy it. Thank you for your time and tolerance.

There is a corporate version of this. Sales have been brisk due to statistics showing that the average worker admits spending over 2 hours a day of company time surfing the internet for non-business related purposes. (Emphasis there on the "admits". To corporate, it's called "time theft"--though buffooned recently on the wonderful show The Office--still a reality.) Yeah, if companies could get that 25% of worker time back...maybe there won't be as many lay-offs...word to the wise, warning to the wise guys.

You may balk at the price of this product (at this writing $84.99 on Amazon) ...to me, it is the best $85 I ever spent. Worth EVERY penny for the peace of mind it brings.

Here is the link again to learn more: Spector Pro 6.0

Ugly Son? It's Dad's Fault, Study Shows...

<--Both of the above were DAD's fault!-->

In America, one of our most important tasks, as good parents, is to produce beautiful children. The reason for this is two-fold, 1) it makes our friends jealous, and, 2) it allows us the ability to put a spotlight on our own attractive features by pointing them out in our children.
It works like this:
Jessica's Mom to friend:: "Jessica's eyes are so pretty in this portrait."
Desired response delivered from same friend: "She's beautiful, she has your eyes."
Jessica's Mom to friend: "Oh, you're so sweet for saying that." (Thinks: Yes, she is beautiful. Yes, she gets it from me.)

:) Everyone is smiley happy!!

Then a study comes along and rains "reality" on the beauty parade. According to this study: if you are a beautiful girl, you should thank DAD. Because good-looking dad was responsible for that. According to this study, good-looking dads produce beautiful daughters. (And I can personally attest to the truth of at least THIS part of the study :)...ahem.)

On the OTHER hand, If you "ain't 'nud'n' BUT ugly" (or "butt ugly")...and you're a boy--you have one more thing to BLAME dad for--he did it! Again, this is "true" IF your dad is a hunk. (For example: Youngblood, if your dad is Brad Pitt you have NO CHANCE at being boy pretty, no chance--you WILL look like a troll.)

Even a beautiful "Jewish mom" can't get her sons into the kingdom of "handsome." The mother's beauty "makes no difference to her adult sons." :(

Carry on all you hunky good dads out there--Keep up the good work on keeping the FEMININE beauty factor high in our great land. Good-looking moms--clearly this study is rubbish, right?...it is, isn't it? :)

In the COMMENTS section below, let us know how the whole "beauty" thing in our society affects your self-image, and that of your daughters and sons.

Here are two great resources for helping your child or teen develop a healthy self-image:
For children: The Five Love Languages of Children
For teens: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

For related posts, see:
Blaming Dad
Dad and Daughter Relationship
"Lippy" the Unsmart Dad--and His Spawn (Son) "Zippy"!

Visit the site where good parents like you with VERY attractive children, compare notes: The website for ALL parents--good looking or not

To see the original article, click here: Good Looking Fathers Make Ugly Sons, but Beautiful Daughters (Source: Fox News from the Telegraph, by Auslan Cramb, Scottish Correspondent)

#1 Secret of the Parenting Universe Revealed (Hint: Media, Teen Sex, THE Talk)

"(CNN) -- Sexual content on television is strongly associated with teen pregnancy, a new study from the RAND Corporation shows. Researchers at the nonprofit organization found that adolescents with a high level of exposure to television shows with sexual content are twice as likely to get pregnant or impregnate someone as those who saw fewer programs of this kind over a period of three years." (Source, "Study links sexual content on TV to teen pregnancy," by Elizabeth Landau.)

"A strong association between sexual content on television and teen pregnancy is not surprising, said Dr. Yolanda Wimberly, an assistant professor of clinical pediatrics at the Morehouse School of Medicine and the medical director for the Center for Excellence in Sexual Health." Well, I'm the medical director for Common Sense and I am sayin'--Ya think???

This is the second article in a row I've blogged about recently that suffer from "stating the obvious-itis." (See the other #2 Secret of the Parenting Universe )

I mean seriously, how many people would say "No way--I think kids can watch all kinds of sex and stuff on TV and/ or porn and WON'T want to try it (and risk pregnancy as a result)!" Thankfully, most parents are smart enough not to say it. Hey, gold stars for that!

Actions send a different message. If parents believe that sex saturated media is NOT okay for their kids, and yet do nothing to guard their kids from it, or to help them process what's coming in, they get a big fat, red "unsatisfactory effort" for their actions and tacitly send the message to kids that it IS okay.

What I am hearing and overhearing via the teen "grapevine" leads me to conclude that MANY teenage boys in particular, are what "porn-addled." This may not be a big deal to some who claim "it's just natural curiosity" and ("boys will be boys, haw, haw"). But to us parents who care, especially dads of teen daughters, we gotta say--there are a bunch of knuckleheaded, horn-dog boys lurking out there. (With ALL due respect.)

Far too many of our young men are...

* emotionally under-developed (intolerant of delayed gratification),

* mentally weak (lack sense of responsibility, have not been significantly challenged),

* sexually overcharged due to the sight and sound of media sex coming at them from every direction. Most have no one helping them sort this all out.

Very few teens (especially boys) have a parent or authority figure in their life who has made it a priority in their life to guide the teen--to coach them on how to respond, react to or "process" all this "media sex" in a healthy way.

Think about it. Just about EVERY popular song, movie, product, or internet video marketed and targeted to teens cheerleads them on to be sexual "beasts," rather than sexual beings who are people of character (thanks Axe cologne and all you others).

I know the cry of the day in our society is no limits and no censorship of any kind. Sounds good...just doesn't "live" good--especially as it involves kids. The same society that unleashes pornography on these boys, gawks in wonder at why so many boys have a "predatorial" versus a "protective" mindset towards girls. The desire to control, to "score," to conquer prevails, while the ability to love and respect is pitifully scarce.

We're producing perpetual boys--muscled and six-pack abs though they may have--not manly men.

Sex insanity in our society has the microphone and is blasting at the kids from "booty" rap ("grind that b******" and "tap' that ho'"), to MTV Spring break specials, nasty music videos with scantily clad women pouring themselves onto stone-cold stoic artists, to porn on the Internet. While all this rages, too-busy parents, are too often...SILENT .

One way to always reach your goals is to set them VERY low. Some parents excel at low goals for their kids. They have given up on a purity goal for their kids. They conclude it's not possible...but then they make a BIG mistake--they don't even try ANYTHING, no limits, no talks, nothing.

I've soap-boxed long enough. Here are some things ALL us parents must do...(as tired and over-busy as we all are):

1) Watch shows with your teens (not porn :) that show the progressions of a "relationship"--you know, what passes for relationship in modern media--the first date/ know each other ten minutes and you jump in the sack together. Talk about the characters, elements of a real relationship, the choices, the consequences, the nature of real love, respect, sex,
etc.

2) Have open conversations with your children about sex
--from a young age. Boy, my parents sure creeped me out with those conversations when I was young--I mean, who wants to think of their parents as sexual? Gross! But looking back...their words were ringing in my head when I faced tough choices. Is your voice ringing in your kid's head--or is there only SILENCE?

3) GUARD your children. Insist on rules for Internet and phone use. Have guidelines for acceptable movies and those that aren't. Know their friend and parents of friends...before placing your child under that parent's "supervision".

It's time for our voices to be heard. Every day we stay silent...our children grow a day older...and we miss an opportunity...and the days go by. Only when we speak up and speak into our children's lives do we help them grow up.

Here is a great software, I highly recommend for monitoring your child's internet use (and believe me I've tried MANY): Spector Pro 6.0

For discussing sex with children: The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear from You About Sex

For discussing sex with teens: What Smart Teenagers Know...About Dating, Relationships & Sex
Christian resource for helping shape your child or teen's sexual character: How And When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child's Sexual Character (God's Design for Sex (Unnumbered))

Share your sex-talk tips with other parents here: #1 Parenting Forums

See the original story here: Study links sexual content on TV to teen pregnancy

For related topics, see these posts:

teen sex
teen nudity, internet

Ain't Nothin' But a Twin Thang! (Sibling Rivalry x10...and what to do about it)

I have an identical twin. His name is Phil. Mine is James ("Jimmy" way back when, Jim now). So there was no cutesy name stuff happening, thank God. No Jimmy and Timmy, Billy Bobby and Bobby Robby, or Skeeter and Peter. One small grace in an otherwise graceless situation.

Many people would say to us "being a twin must be awesome!" We would just look at the person in amazement, and say (probably in unison), "Now you are just talking like a crazy person!"

Mom used to talk crazy too. I think we were 3-4 when mom started telling us stuff like, "If you ever need a kidney, your brother could give you one of his!" This brought up a few questions:

"What's a kidney?"

"How? Does he reach inside, take it out and hand it over?"

Mom answered our questions (but she had to be wrong--GROSS!) But I couldn't imagine my brother giving me a kidney--at least not without a fight. We fought over food, friends, toys and every other possession...didn't look good for kidney sharing.

You see as twins we were already conditioned in hundreds of different ways to to be enemies, adversaries, competitors...not charitable givers--at least not to one another. If you think sibling rivalry is bad...for twins who shared the same egg and DNA...it's rivalry x 10, I promise you.

It meant, separate birthday party tables (better be the same number of kids at each--and have friends switch tables at mid-party), separate birthday cakes (better be the SAME exact size), same IDENTICAL toys (though when possible, different colors), and absolutely equal treatment in EVERY area from hugs and snuggles, encouragement and praise, to food portions, parental time, attention, interest--everything.

Mom would talk with other mothers who would ask the typical...Who was born first? (me by 6 minutes...na-na-na-na-na-na!) Who walked first? Who talked first? Which one is/ was the best baby? Me and Phil treasured all this information...ammunition in the battle for superiority.

Here is just a small sampling of the constant reminders to me and Phil that we were competitors for the hearts and minds of everyone in our world...

• Mom says there were times when one of us was breast-fed twice...while the other one got nothing. That right there is enough to put us at each other's throats for a lifetime, but I will continue...


• Grandma gave our older brother and sister $10 each for their birthdays. She gave Phil and me $10 to split between us. Yes, this happened. This almost put me in therapy.


• Which of you is smartest? ("Me...duhhhhh!" If people who asked us this had been smarter, we'd have been nicer when responding...)


• Which one of you is the ladies man/ has had the most girlfriends? (This one was extended even onto our girlfriends, "Which one of you has the prettiest girlfriend?" We would also have girls come up to us and decide out loud who was cutest or who had the best personality...nothing like losing that one.)


• Which of you is strongest/ most athletic? Which is better at baseball? Football? Basketball? Faster? Throws farthest? Hits a baseball best? and so on. Might as well say it...who's the REAL man between you two...and who's the sissy?


• Which of you has the most friends? (Well, minus you now for asking, that means I have this many ____.)

And on, and on , and on.

Me and Phil share the same DNA, but we are very different. We have different personalities, temperaments, talents, gifts, interests, opinions--quite a list. At times we can still finish one another's sentences. But not as much anymore. The point is, we are very different and so is every child.

Each child has a different "love language"--a different way each needs to be nurtured, built up, guided, challenged, and disciplined--through hundreds of different words, actions and attitudes that ultimately say, "I love YOU!" The key is for us to strive to treat each child as an individual, to never define one child in comparison to another. We have to refuse to compare our child unfavorably with another as a motivational ploy as well (ex. "Why can't you earn better grades, like your brother/ __________ [someone else's kid]?")

Finally, if you ever meet a twin, look into their eyes with compassion, give them a sympathetic nod that says, "I know". Then give them a $20--or whatever cash you have on you...(cause if Grandma didn't short-change them, some uncle with a bad sense of humor did)

Please respond to the following questions in COMMENTS below...

• What struggles with sibling rivalry have you had in your home? What has worked for you in resolving them? In preventing rivalry?
• So what do you do to make sure your kids feel loved as individuals?
• Oh, or you can just tell us about your painful (or magical) twin experience...

Neutralize the rivalry and build the bonds between your teenagers with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. Find out more here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

The parenting website made BY parents FOR parents. It's ALL killer, NO filler (don't have to dig through piles of ads to get to the good stuff!). Check it out! http://www.parentconsensus.com/

Do All White People Like to Hate Their Parents?

Do all white children hate their parents? One blogger who hit the big-time seems to think so.

Christian Lander, (white guy) author of the humorous blog, "Stuff White People Like" is now the author of the top-selling book, Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions. In that book he asserts that white people hate their parents--here's how it goes:

"If you are a strict parent who makes your kids have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed, then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, and relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida....


On the other hand, if you are a super-laid-back parent who lets your kids go to parties and drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their lives--dropping out of college, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate you for being too lax and not caring enough." (Source: Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions, Random House 2008, pages 20-21)

(If you're white, appreciate quirky humor, and aren't too thin-skinned, you'll get a kick out of the book.)

Now some parents say, "if your kid doesn't hate you, you're not doing your job." I am more of the mind that, if your kid hates you all the time...you may need to dial down on the intensity in the parenting approach. But yeah, I agree, if you are doing the job, yes, your child will feel some intense negative feelings from time-to-time. Yes, possibly even hate. And yes, they will pen the dark poetry and pour out the pain in their myspace blog page.

You are not alone!

Every kid has his moments. I sure did...but not my kids, because unlike you, I am perfect...I am the guy behind parentconsensus for crying out loud! (Yes, I am kidding.)

Saying "no." Denying our kids stuff they want with all their heart is definitely a part of living the parenting DREAM. Not allowing our children to do something "EVERYONE ELSE gets to do" is so much FUN! Aren't our kids angry or sad responses SUCH a blast? Don't you just LIVE for saying "no" to your kids? (I should hope you're pickin' up on my sarcasm---layin' it on pretty thick!)

Sometimes we can get pretty beat up by the wings of our little angels and their freedom slaps...er, flaps as they ascend. At times, your home is going to seem like a battle scene from Braveheart--your kid with face painted blue, screaming for freedom...oh yeah, nothing like it.

Don't go it alone. You'll need someone to stand with you, giving you strength to do what hurts like heck in the short-term (days, could be longer). Someone to encourage you to do exactly the right thing--for the best long term good of all involved.

Make sure you and your spouse are standing together. If there is no spouse, you need a solid friend (a parent), who shares your values to stand with you.

Stand strong. Even if everything in you feels like giving in or giving up.

Oh, and no matter how bad your kids may seem to hate you at times, as long as they don't end up in a Thai prison...you done good :)

Click here to order the book: Stuff White People Like


In the Comments below, talk about the one KEY person (or group) in your life who helps you to stand strong as a parent. What does this person (or group) do to help you stay strong as a parent even when your child "hates" you?

When is it toughest for you to take the hard stands as a parent (to say "no", to not allow them something "EVERYONE else" gets to do)? How do you handle this?

Click on this link to visit the website every parent needs!

Click on this link to learn more about the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking!

Mom Drives Daughter to a Beat-Down: Families in the News, Part 6

"PHOENIX — Surprise police have arrested a mother they say drove her daughter and her friends to a rival's home so they could assault her."

One more from the chapter of "Jim's Book" called..."Well I May Not Be the the Best Parent in the World, But At Least I've Never Done Anything THIS Stupid," to help us all feel better about our parentin' skillz!

Okay, so "allegedly" :) this mom passed over a number of fun things she and her daughter COULD have done one day, (oh, you know, like working on homework together, learning a new skill, working out, seeing a movie, shopping, having a great discussion over a cappucino, etc.) opting instead to drive her daughter and some friends over to beat down a rival.

Sure she could have had a teachable moment here with her daughter on stuff oh, maybe like...self-control, anger management, conflict resolution, how to obey the law, how not to be a moron--you know, stuff like that. She gets an "A" for creativity though. I mean driving my teen daughter and friends over to beat up another teenage girl has never occurred to un-creative me.

I can just imagine the eulogy for this mom when that day comes. Daughter is teary-eyed in front of the folks gathered there, weeping, saying "There were so many treasured times with my moms...like that time she drove me and my peeps over to Tamika's house--that girl was always talking trash--and we gave Tamika a beat down--or tried--and me and moms got arrested together...(sniff!)...good times! I'll miss her so much! Peace mom--much love (pound chest)--Word!."

Now I hear there is more to the story than this. Of course there is :) There always is. But it still doesn't change the fact that mommy dearest has some o' her own learnin' to get done. I guess the thing too is, I see so many parents in public settings teaching their kids to be "ugly" that it is worth bringing up here.

Case in point: At a championship soccer playoff game here in Florida, I saw parents storm onto a soccer field (after a hard foul between players) and start pushing opposing players around!! The teenage players had to control their parents!

Onto someone else's case: The other day, a certain woman standing behind me in line with her daughter at a drugstore decided she had waited in line long enough (an elderly woman was moving a little slow paying the cashier). "Forget this!", she said loudly and agrily, as she tossed aside the items she had intended to purchase. She stormed out of the store, her embarrassed young daughter in tow, the daughter asking "Mommy, what's wrong? Mommy what happened?"

So here are some questions for the COMMENTS below:

When your kids have been wronged or mistreated and they are angry, how do you help them decompress? How do you help them manage the anger?

What are some rules you have for maintaining your self-control when you want to go off on someone--especially in front of your kids?

(Source AP, via Fox News) To get a few more details, see the link:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,431947,00.html

Need to talk about anger management and conflict resolution with your teenager? See the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Familiees Talking! Click here for more info:
http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Check out the website every parent needs:
http://www.parentconsensus.com/

Parents, If You Could, Would You Give Your Kids Up?: Families in the News, Part 5

"OMAHA, Neb. — The grandparents of nine children who were given up by their father under Nebraska's unique safe-haven law said Thursday that they wished he would have come to them for help."



Now this is a tricky situation because this dad who left all nine of his kids at a hospital had some seriously complicated issues he is trying to work through. (He would have left 10 kids, but I guess the oldest daughter was having none of that...she is 18--I can just imagine THAT conversation).

Since the law took effect, 16 children, some of them teenagers, have been given up. (Not sure if that counts the 9.)

A few questions to respond to in COMMENTS below...



What do you think about the law...in general? Good idea, bad idea? Why?

What do YOU do in those TOUGH times with your kids when you feel very frustrated or overwhelmed? Or what advice do you have for parents going through that?




Check out http://www.parentconsensus.com











See this link for the article...(Source, Fox News, 10-2-08)

http://www.foxnews.com/wires/2008Oct02/0,4670,SafeHaven,00.html

Dad Beats Naked Boy Found in His Daughter's Room: Families in the News, Part 4

"DELTONA, Fla.--An angry Deltona father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room."

It kinda' went like this...

--Dad hears sounds coming from daughter's room around 3-4 in the AM.

--Dad proceeds to arm himself with a pipe.
--Dad proceeds to daughter's room and opens door.

--In the dark, father sees a naked "man" standing on his daughter's bed.

--Dad proceeds to beat the "man" about the head with aforementioned pipe.

--Turns out "man" was his daughter's boyfriend who had been let in through a window by the daughter so they could have consensual sex. I believe both teens were 15-years-old.

--The father did not even know his daughter HAD a boyfriend. (Doh!??)

--The girl had been going out with the boy for 16 months. (Double Doh! !!??)

--Dad is arrested.

(I believe now charges against the father have been dropped.)

I asked my fellow bloggers in blogcatalog what they thought of this dad's actions and if he was in the right. Boy, did I get an earful! The question got a whopping 222 responses over three days--the hottest discussion topic on blogcatalog for 2 days!! (only discussion bigger was: "What do you do to get people...ANYBODY to read your blog?").

Folks were divided about 50-50 (maybe a slight lean to the teen):

The pro-dad...

"....yeah he had a right to do what he did. He (boy) shouldn't of been in her house without his knowledge so he should of been seen as someone who broke into his house....Back in the day if I got caught in a girlfriends house naked I would of gotten my a** beat just for the fact. Now imagine if the father thought I was attempting to rape his daughter, I would of had a gun aimed at my head or a knife at my ______"

And the pro-teen:

"She had sex with her boyfriend, like many of us did when we were teenagers, like many people have since the beginning of freaking time.The father could have behaved like a rational adult rather than a raving lunatic. He needs to pay for what he did, he over reacted in a horrendous way and deserves jail time."

And as one might expect, a few strayed far away from topic...

"I'm hungry, who's cooking???"

So where do you weigh in on this, parents?

Was this dad right in what he did?

What are some OTHER issues that need attention here?

Make your opinions known by leaving a comment below!

Join parents just like you to compare notes on all things parenting, at http://www.parentconsensus.com/

Make sure you know your teen's life with quality discussions using the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. Find it here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

For a sparsely detailed article on this, see: http://www.wesh.com/news/17459795/detail.html

Teen Plans Mother's Murder to Pay for Breast Implants? Families in the News Part 3

"FOUNTAIN, Colo. — A Colorado teenager hired men to kill his mother so he could use her money to get breast implants for his girlfriend, police said."

It is reported that this precious 18-year-old son, Nikita, planned to have mom killed, sell her car, and use money in her bank account to get his girlfriend breast implants! Mom was attacked--bludgeoned using a small baseball bat--but she survived.

Here is the link to the story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,429166,00.html

What do you think about this kid? Why do you think this happened? Comment below.

See the website every parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/ While you're there, be sure to register for our newsletter in the header of the home page.

Want to keep your relationship with your teenager healthy? The book 101 Movie Clip Illustrations That Get Families Talking will help! http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store . Click here to learn more!

Family Time or Family Crime? What's Your Legacy?

I am a big fan of parents making sure they pass on to their children solid life skills and an honorable legacy. Good stuff.

But what about when one's life skill and legacy is...um...crime? (And one is not very good at it--cause one is caught, convicted and sentenced?) Turns out that gets passed down too.

A recent article from indystar.com, "Lawless Legacy: Eastside Family Has 50 Convictions", tells of a family from Indianapolis that has racked up 50 convictions and a total of 110 years in jail. Let's do the math: father Paul Sr., 66, has nine convictions, for which he has been sentenced to 45 years. Five of his six children -- Paul Jr., 38; John, 37; Brian, 36; Jeremy, 35; and Jenny, 34 -- have been convicted a combined 39 times and have been sentenced to a total of 65 years in prison.

Though this is an extreme case, the fact is, each of us is building a legacy that we will leave behind. Our lives "live on" beyond us, through our children.


We have to ask ourselves, "What is the legacy I will leave? What of me will live on in my child/ children when I am gone?"

And let's put a finer point on it...legacies are for the living. Which of our positive values, qualities, characteristics, strengths or traits do we see reflected in our kids--right now? (This is a tough one) Which of our shortcomings, faults, negative traits and weaknesses do we see in our kids today? Let's be honest. What of us do we want to end with us...and what do we want to see live on in our kids?

The good news is...we can still change our legacy. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"...is just a saying, and is not the final word on any of us. Each of us can change.


Though we can't rewrite the past, the future is yet to be written. Each of us has a whole lot more love and goodness to share, so much left to give to our kids (parenting IS a lifelong privilege...though ever-changing and evolving).

"Legacy" sounds ominous. Let's break it down. Legacies are formed one step at a time, involving hundreds of individual decisions, actions, interactions and memories. They can be reformed the same way--one step at a time.


What ONE thing can you do tomorrow as a legacy builder for you and your child/ children? (Is there an act of kindness you can do together? A table talk you can have over a meal, perhaps sharing favorite family memories? Anything that allows your children to see the best in you will do. :)


There is no better legacy than the living kind--seeing the best in us lived out daily in the lives of our kids.


In the comments below...share your legacy builders!

--Jim Kochenburger



Take some positive steps toward legacy building with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. You can find out more about this book at this link: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Visit the website every parents needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/

To see the original indystar article, cick here: http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080921/NEWS02/809210372

To subscribe to the Parentconsensus e-newsletter, click on this link and sign up in the header area of the page: http://www.parentconsensus.com/

The Family That Beats Up People Together...Stays Together?

In Baton Rouge, Lousiana an 18-year-old and his 53-year-old mother, were arrested for a recent road rage incident that ended with the severe beating of a 70-year-old man. Apparently, the young "real smart" guy knocked an elderly man's front teeth out and caused such injury to his mouth that it took 40 stitches to sew his upper lip back together. Oh, and here's the best part--it is reported the young man's mother helped with the beating. (Source, AP, 9-19-08, article "Police: Mother, Son Arrested for Severe Road-Rage Beating of 70-Year-Old")

What a beautiful story--a mother and son bonding over their shared beating of an elderly man. Well there's one for the family scrap book and to share proudly at the family barbecue...

"Yep, my son done tore that feller up!"

"Well, um...but the guy was OLD, older than Papa over there...."

"It don't matter...you do me wrong, I take care of it."

"That's right son...you make your momma proud."

Now I am sure there is more to the story. We all know how inimidating and scary elderly people can be. And this guy was probably like most elderly men, dressed in his leathers and his big old bad dude shades. He was likely driving his pimped out low rider, pumping his rap music so loud that the cars around him were vibrating in circles, wheel covers shaking off and rattling to the street. Yep, we all know how initimidating a 70-year old can be...

There is an undercurrent of meanness in our country that is unnerving to me. I experience it or observe it every day (hey, I drive in Altamonte Springs Florida, aggressive, mean driving is a favorite pastime of ours).

Just a reminder to all of us...let's come against the meanness with kindness. When we allow ourselves to be rude and mean we fail to love others, we fail our kids and if we have any conscience, we fail ourselves. We know better. And when we are stupid or mean (come on EVERYONE has their moments...some their hours) we should allow ourselves to feel ashamed and we should work HARD to change. Let's give our kids a model to follow and respect and something better for them to live up to.

--Jim Kochenburger

Do you want to help your teen to better control their anger? To develop more kindness? This book can help: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

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Here is the link to the story, courtesy of Fox News: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,425324,00.html

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Parents: Are You Good TV or Bad TV?

Last week, police officers in Trenton, New Jersey were called to the home of Evelyn DeLeon, after neighbors reported hearing a woman's persistent cries of "Help me! Help me!" When police officers arrived, they kicked in the door to make the rescue...and found a caged pet cockatoo named Luna who had mastered a very convincing call.

This was not the first time.

Apparently, almost seven years ago, police were dispatched to the same home due to reports of a possible abandoned baby. Sounds of a baby's cries had been non-stop all day long. Police and state child welfare workers were dispatched to the home to intervene, only to find Luna practicing a newfound sound.

Apparently Luna knows a lot of phrases--in English and Spanish--due to watching TV. (Source, AP, Sep. 5, 2008)

I'd like to use Luna as a reminder that our kids are like her--taking in all that they see and hear, deciding what to imitate, what to try on for size...words, emotions, attitudes, actions, all of it. And they love imitating us the most.

Sometimes our children's choices of what to imitate are a source of pride for us, but sometimes, their choices can be humorous or, yes, even embarrassing. (And sometimes, let's face it, they make up their own material and we fear people might think they are imitating us!)

We are the TV our kids are watching. But there is no DVR picking and choosing what they can see--no instant replay. No "erase" to get rid of what we "done did." There is no fast forward or rewind to try and gloss over or minimize our bad example moments. (And we can't slow-mo and bask in our shining moments.)

There we are, on the screen, in living color, in real time, for better or for worse. Little eyes and ears are locked onto us. We are must see TV for them.

What an incredible opportunity we have, as parents, to mold and shape young lives. Let us never take that lightly. Let's make sure we are always "good TV."

Check out the webite every parent needs, www.parentconsensus.com !

Do you love your teen? Do you like movies? This book is for you: 101 Movie Clips That Get Your Family Talking. Click here to find out more: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

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Parents: You Are What You Click...

It used to be said, "You are what you eat." Bill Tancer , author of the new book, Click: What Millions of People Are Doing Online and Why it Matters. insists that nowadays, "You are what you click."

Tancer leads global research at Hitwise, an online market research company. His job is basically that of discovering the behavior of online users, primarily as a marketing tool, but much of what he discovers provides interesting nuggets on the impact of the internet on our culture, society and families.

Since I will not receive his book from Amazon until Thursday, I had to settle for viewing some entries from his blog, which I found on the Amazon book page. (To see Tancer's blog, go to http://blogs.abcnews.com/click/2008/07/searching-for-a.html )

Along with facts like at any point in time 30% of Internet users are grazing porn online, I also found some info you parents may value.

What are the top 10 internet queries containing "fear of." (As of July 7, 2008)
1. Fear of flying


2. Fear of heights
3. Fear of communism (???)
4. Fear of intimacy
5. Fear of clowns (who ISN'T afraid of clowns??)
6. Fear of dying
7. Fear of commitment
8. Fear of darkness
9. Fear of death
10. Fear of germs

(More on fear coming in my blog this weekend...ths was just the appetizer.)

Tancer also discovered these internet searches in common with people who searched for the current presidential candidates (form your own opinions):

People who went to the site barackobama.com also tended to make these searches as well:
News: Washington Post
Television: PBS online
Shopping: IKEA
Dating: Match.com
Music: Linkin Park
Apparel: DSW
Baseball: Red Sox

People who went to the site johnmccain.com also tended to make these searches as well:
News: USA Today

Television: Food Network
Shopping: Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Dating: eharmony
Music: The Jonas Brothers
Apparel: Footsmart
Baseball: Yankees

Good news--you can buy Tancer's book through the Parentconsensus store and get the low Amazon price: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store the book is on page 3 of the store.

So based on what you click on the internet...who are you? And based on what your kids are clicking on the Internet, who are they? (See the software SpectorPro in the Parentconsensus store to find out what your children are clicking online.)

Visit the website every parent needs, http://www.parentconsensus.com/! (Sign up for the parentconsensus e-newsletter--see the header at the top of the page.)

Do you love movies? Do you love your teen? This book is for you: 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. See more about this here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Parents: The Ticking Crocodile Chases Each of Us

Not long ago I was enjoying lunch at a local favorite Mexican restaurant of mine here in Orlando (Tijuana Flats). At the table next to me was a dad in his thirties, sitting with his daughter--a young girl of six or seven. She was wearing a nice blue-flowered dress, had a ribbon in her hair--she was dolled up, suggesting this might be a "special" time of some sort.

I loved it...a dad and daughter, sharing a lunch out together. I am a sucker for that stuff--seeing dad's "into" their kids. So I paid attention. I thought I just might have a warm observation/ entry for this blog.

Sadly, I was wrong.

Though this dad had the right idea about being "there" with his daughter--sadly, he never showed up.

Predictably, he was wearing his bluetooth earpiece. Since he hadn't arrived in a helicopter, and there was no briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, my guess was, he didn't have his finger on the nuclear button--so no real need to keep that earpiece in. When he received a call and yukked it up for a few minutes with "Carl", who apparently was a "Dumb s__ of a b___!" asking, "How the h___ are ya?"--I knew for sure he had no reason to wear it.

(Hey--had the discussion veered even once from the inanities of "Hey man, how much beer DID you drink that night?" into aerospace technology or miltary jargon, I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt--this guy was no rocket scientist.)

Almost immediately after the Carl call, our boy hollered a "Go Gators!" greeting to the Tebow-jerseyed guy at the next table, and, for the next 30 minutes talked about how great the Florida Gators would be again this year(which is by itself annoying to me, a Florida State Seminoles fan. We've become a little thin-skinned and extra sensitive around Gators fans over the last few years.)
"Tebow...he, he, he once threw a football 200 yards--a guy I know saw him." Blah-blah.
"Tebow, even if he had just one arm, I bet he could still get the Heisman." Blah-blah.
"Tebow, if he was like running for President...watch out Obama!" Blah-blah. You get the gist. BLAH-blah!

Our boy said not ONE word to his daughter the ENTIRE time. She sat there silently, having long-finished her food, sipping her drink. She tried to get his attention a few times...but even then, when he heard her, he shushed her.

As I left, the girl was begging her father "Can we just go???" Needless to say "Can we just go??" is not how any dad "sees" his daddy-daughter time ending.

As I drove back to work, I took a little stroll down memory lane...

It was a daddy/daughter "date" with my 3-year old daughter, Kristin, (now 15--going on 20). Back then, I set aside time each week to focus on Kristin for a couple hours instead of the usual few minutes at a time. Though we varied the plan--the playground, an ice cream shop, children's section at a bookstore, and others--her favorite destination for one-on-one time with dad was the Barbie aisle of the local toy store. (I did a LOT of time in the Barbie aisle--almost had to trade in my "man card.")

On the way she would happily chat my ear off with giggly stories, and questions ("Daddy, why is sky?"), mixed with sing-a-longs to Veggie Tales ("I Love My Lips") and Barney.

Every date would end the same way...with a chocolate milkshake. Milkshake in hand, I would say, "Baby, always stay little, okay?"
"Okay daddy!", she said with a giggle and little kick of her legs. (It was the first playful "banter" we shared.) I'll never forget her little red cheeks, chubby little knees and her fine hair styled in what I called a "bee-paw" ribbon scrunchy, giving her that "Pebbles" look.

I'll never, ever forget those smiles, those songs, those happy times. And when I face trials with my teenage Kristin...I call on these memories, of my little girl and I find new reserves of patience, and love.

Time marches on. Kids grow up. Hopefully, we are left with the deep connections we forged, and the memories we made (not those we didn't).

In the story of Peter Pan, there is a crocodile who swallows a clock, who pursues Captain Hook endlessly. But he's not the only one. That ticking "clock croc" pursues us all.

Randy Pausch, in his book, The Last Lecture, writes, "Manage your time well...Time is finite....Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think."

The croc is ticking...

(Special note: You know the Barbie aisle has a special place in my heart :) Well it does for a blogging friend of mine as well. Check out the blog Barbies4Sale at this link: http://barbies4sale.blogspot.com/ )

Be sure to check out the site every parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com/


Need good quality time with your teen? Use the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking. FInd out more here: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Help for Parents: Understanding the Teen Brain

Ever have absolutely no idea what your teen is thinking, and why they do some of the things they do? Whether you need to better understand teen impulsiveness, rebellion, high emotions, risk-taking, or decision-making--a great new, free online resource can help. "A Parent's Guide to the Teen Brain" is the first in a series of interactive products to be introduced by The Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

Check it out at www.drugfree.org/teen brain!

http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/personal/parenting